In the Face of Adversity
by Emera-Rene
Summary: 'Sometimes I just want to scream' She's staring out the window. She's trying to pretend she's not actually here, in this room. Again. She doesn't want to look at her surroundings, doesn't want to focus on the stress ball. The box of tissues. The books on psychology. On Depression. Anything that screams loudly that she's sat in a counsellors office. L/P sequel to Redemption Harbour.


**A/N** This is just a little one shot (well it was little when I stumbled across it on my mac!- Not so little anymore!) follow up to Redemption Harbour, I guess it's not completely essential to have read it but it'll definitely make a whole lot more sense if you have! I don't really know if it's even finished in my head but was starting to drive me crazy so thought I'd get it out there before it becomes more than the excessive length it already is! Sorry babbling I know. I'm going now. Bye.

'Well?' Her golden locks whisper around her face and her eyes glint with hope.

'I dunno' Jamie shrugs with a heavy sigh. 'He just did a whole lot of grunting' He breaks to her with an empathetic look. He feels sorry for his cousin because this morning she was really excited and now she's miserable and he wishes his uncle would just lighten up a bit. 'Hey, there's always next year...'

He trails off cause he knows that's not what she wants to hear.

'I hate them'

'You don't mean that Erin'

'They never let me do anything. I'm not a five year old. I just want one night. One night to go to a school dance'

He scratches the back of his head. He loves his cousin, he's overly protective of his cousin and he understands why his Uncle and Aunt are so hard on her but he wishes he could sneak her out for this.

'Did you say you'd take me? You didn't mention Jasper did you?'

'God no, I just said I'd take you, keep an eye on you' He didn't think it was wise to mention the boy she was secretly seeing whilst appealing for his Uncles consent to let her go out. He knew how well that would've gone.

He watches her puff out a heavy breath and a stray piece of hair blows off of her face.

He'd usually laugh at her because her hair can't seem to decide whether it wants to be like her fathers' or mothers' because one day it's relatively obedient and the next it's wild and out of control.

'You're going to be late for practice'

'I can skip, we could go down the pier and get ice cream?'

'I'd have to be back here for five. There's no point. You should go' She mutters.

He knows there's no point in arguing because she's stubborn and she's sulking and he knows when to quit it.

'Okay' He rubs her arm. 'I'll see you tomorrow at school?'

She nods absently but doesn't look at him or really acknowledge his departure.

Sometimes she wishes she could switch places with him, just for the day. She wishes she lived in the house where the front door is always open and there is always laughter, the house that Haley and Nathan Scott own, the house with the normal parents. Not this gated prison.

She doesn't notice when her younger sister enters the room but she can't ignore the rambling of words that are being spoken to her.

She looks into Sawyer's blue, vibrant eyes. The moment the eleven year old enters a room she brings happiness and smiles.

'Please Eh-rin' She whines.

'I don't want to'

'But it'll be awesome. We can let them go from my bedroom window and watch them splat onto the patio!' Her eyebrows wiggle comically, enticing a reluctant smile onto her older siblings face. 'Mum said she doesn't care!'

_Of course she doesn't_. Erin silently thinks. Her parents are wonderful at saying no when she wants to go out anywhere but Sawyer wants to splatter paint everywhere, they're all for it. She purses her lips together. She tries not to be mad, but it can be infuriating.

'Pleaase' Sawyer wavers a paint filled balloon temptingly before her.

'Fine, fine' She concedes with a roll of her eyes and the grin that Sawyer rewards her with makes her laugh.

She's never felt more connected to another person, more than she does with her little sister. It was instant; from the first moment she'd laid eyes on the blonde haired youngster, she'd loved her. And sure she's everything a little sister should be; annoying and tiresome, but she's also the glue that holds this family together. She's the light in their parents eyes.

A fact Erin is well aware of. She's the only free one. Erin envies her of that, envies her of everything she doesn't know.

'Daddy will let you go Rin' Sawyer declares as they climb the staircase together.

She's not so sure. She's heard "No" a thousand times and not once has _no _turned into a yes. She doesn't say anything though.

She understands; she understands her parents worrying, she understands why she can't go out after five, she gets it but that doesn't stop her hating it.

She's already been an outsider for the most part of her life. High school was meant to be different. It is different, it was her chance to start over and she had. She'd made friends, she'd felt normal. But she doesn't on days like this when her father is refusing to let her go to prom.

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'Lucas-'

'I'm not having this conversation with you Peyton. The answer's no-'

'Don't speak to me like that Luke' Her voice is soft, timid, vulnerable and he hates it. He spins around, his expression regretful.

'I'm sorry' He exhales. 'I don't want to fight with you'

'We're not fighting-'

'Yes we are. Because I can't discuss this. There's nothing you can say that will make me change my mind. She's not going'

'She's sixteen. It's just a school dance'

'Mhm' He nods. 'You're right. So why is it a big deal if she goes? I'd get it if it was her senior year but it's not'

'Luke she's a kid. It's a big deal'

'Okay but you see the thing is I seem to remember you rocking up at prom in a blood splattered dress'

Peyton closes her eyes in exasperation. 'Erin isn't me. She's not got the freedom that I had. She has rules. She has curfews. We'd take her and pick her up and there will be teachers there Luke and Jamie always watches over her. Nothing will happen. If she had a psycho stalker that was going to rock up at our house we'd know about it' She jokes with a little smile but he doesn't. Can't smile or joke when it comes to this subject. None the less, she can see him contemplating her words. 'We can't keep her locked up forever Luke. She's going to end up hating us, when she's eighteen she'll walk out that door and never look back and we'll never see her again. Is that what you want?'

'I want her to be safe. I want to protect her' His voice is hard. Deep. Caveman like.

A shiver runs down her spine. She's always a little stunned by the love she feels for this man. Stunned by the intensity of it. Stunned by the way, that even after all these years, her body still thrums and her knees still wobble when he speaks like that.

'You do protect her. You protect us all, every day' She holds his hand and he looks into her eyes and she can see him thinking _I didn't protect you that day. I couldn't save you. I didn't save you from him_.

As much as they're a united couple, still very much in love, still very much living the life they'd always dreamed of at eighteen. They can't always look past it, it's always there, lingering.

Same old guilt. Same old anger. Same old frustration.

She kisses the underside of his jaw. Kisses the side of his mouth. Kisses his nose, his cheek, his eyes.

His hands snake round her waist and pull her close.

He sinks onto the bed and gently pulls her down to straddle his legs.

She holds his head to her chest and runs her hand through his hair.

He never use to hold her like this, not before. Not so protectively. Now he does it so frequently, just pulls her onto his lap and holds her in a cocooning embrace. In the beginning he'd tell her he was so thankful she were here, so thankful that she'd come back to him. Now he doesn't need to speak. She knows. She tells him it's alright. She whispers she's not going anywhere.

'Mum?' Their daughter's voice ciphers through her but she knows by the way Lucas is still holding her so intimately that he's oblivious to Erin's presence. She looks over his head to the door where her eldest child is hovering. 'Sorry. I just, I-'

'I'll come see you in a sec honey' She smiles reassuringly.

The teenager has scurried away by the time Lucas raises his head.

'Erin wants me' Peyton explains softly.

He blinks and then sighs. 'She hates me'

'No. She loves you' She kisses his forehead. 'But she's entitled to be angry...Let her go Luke. You're stifling her' She pleads softly. 'Let her go. You can take her and pick her up...'

He swallows thickly and he's squinting and then he's sighing and she knows she's won and she feels a little bad because he really, really doesn't want this but at the same time she's relieved because she knows their daughter needs space. Space from them. And she wants the best for her darling baby.

'I take her. I pick her up. No arguments' He grumbles.

'She won't argue' She tilts his head, her nose brushes against his and then she kisses his lips and he wants to pull her back onto the bed and kiss her all day but they're not teenagers and they have kids and she's soon standing up and disappearing from their room.

He can't help but allow his lips to curl into a small smile when Erin's loud, jubilant shriek travels down the hall.

'Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Daddy!'

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She's notably happier this week. The normally brooding teen is jubilant and smiling and her little sister is in her element with her new, overly nice big sister and Peyton loves it. Lucas likes it too, although he won't comment on it because that would be admitting defeat.

'Dad's not going to like, come in and stay right?'

Peyton bites her lip and smiles because she's pretty sure the idea of volunteering as one of the parent chaperones has crossed Lucas' mind, but she also knows he's very much aware that he'd not only be in Erin's bad books but hers' too if he insisted on doing so and he doesn't seem to handle her being angry at him very well.

'No. You're Dad won't stay honey. Go on try it on already' Peyton urges. She's eager to see her daughter in the pale green dress that's hanging on the cupboard door.

Erin grins and jumps to her feet, disappearing inside her walk in wardrobe.

'Don't be scared to say you don't like it'

'But I do like it Mum. It's so beautiful. I can't believe both you and you're Mum wore it. I just don't know that it'll fit. I'm not as skinny as you-'

'Erin Scott. You're beautiful' The mother scorns because she's noted the way the sixteen year old keeps putting herself down, keeps quietly muttering that she's fat or that her hair is ugly and she knows such comments aren't unnusal for an insecure teenager that's finding her feet in the world but they still irritate her because she's beautiful and her precious baby. 'If it does need to be altered, your aunt Brooke's a bit of a wiz with a sewing machine you know?' Peyton smiles to herself as she absently scours her daughter's room. Being in here makes her happy. Her wall is covered with photos, old and new. Her eyes always linger over certain images; photographs of times she missed. An Erin she never had the chance to know. An Erin that belonged to Brooke Davis. The brunette still obtains a precious bond with her eldest daughter; one that Peyton can't help but envy. Her heart aches a little and then she forces herself to look at the new photos, the one's she's a part of and she's thankful for all the time she has had with her eldest daughter.

She's standing in front of Erin's desk now and her stomach clenches as she glowers down at what confronts her unprepared eyes.

In a flash it envelopes her.

She grips onto the back of the wooden chair.

Grace's face. The house. _Him._

'Erin' Peyton swallows thickly. 'What're all these?' Her voice barely travels but Erin hears.

The teen's head darts out of her walk in cupboard, eyes wide and knowing and panicked as she stares at her Mother. Stare's at the papers in question.

Peyton isn't looking at her though, she's rifling through the articles, her heart racing.

_Murder. Captivity. Abuse. _The words leap out at her.

'I...'

'Why do you have these?' Her question is choked and her eyes watery as she looks up at her daughter, shaking the wad of news reports at her. 'Where did you even get these?' She exclaims.

'The, the library' Erin admits, her large green eyes, so similar to her mother's, welling as she stares into Peyton's frantic face. The pale green dress fits perfectly and it's like looking in a mirror, turning back time but Peyton can't focus on the dress. Can't focus nor comment on how beautiful she looks because her mind is racing with questions.

'The library?'

'I just, I wanted to know'

'Know. Know what?' Peyton's fingers curl tightly round the sheets of paper, crumpling them within her palm.

She wants to hide from Grace's face. That face breaks her heart. Guilt. Self hate. It's dizzying.

'Everyone always talks about it Mum. The kids at school, they know more than me. They ask about you, they ask if you're okay. They ask if you're fucked up. They ask me what it was like for me...they ask me what he did to you...' She finishes in a whisper. She nervously shifts her weight because she just swore and she expects to be scorned and shouted at.

Peyton's anger instantly dispels though.

'You pretend like nothing happened' Erin softly continues. 'Like I just forgot. But I didn't Mum. I can't ever forget. I still have this dream where I'm sat in your closet and my heart is thrumming in my chest and I can't breathe and I'm looking through the key hole. Only back then I never understood what was happening and now, now I do and...that was only twenty minutes and it was horrible and you... you were with him, with him for over a year and I can't stop thinking, I can't stop thinking-'

'Honey' Peyton intervenes. She closes the gap between them and her arms envelope her.

'If I'd not been there- if you'd not had me to think about maybe things would've been different maybe-'

'That's enough' Peyton cups her face. 'Honey, you and your sister are the most...I can't even put into words how much I love you, you're my life and the outcome would've been just the same whether you'd been there or not'

'How...how can you be so okay...after that? I mean, I use to think Daddy flew off the handle at the most smallest of things and he's so strict with us being home by a certain time but after, after reading through all those it's no wonder that he's so, so...-'

'Darling, me and your father have done our best to hide this stuff from you-'

'You can't hide everything Mum. You think I don't notice the way he obsessively tells you to ring him if you go out or the way he doesn't let your hand go if we're all out together. And it can be suffocating. It is suffocating to watch'

'Darling your Dad is just a little overprotective'

'Mum, you're, you two don't...you don't act normally'

Peyton frowns indignantly. She wonders when her child became so mature, when she became so sure of her own mind. When she became so observent. She's her own person now. Cannot be fed lies or stories. Cannot be protected and wrapped in cotton wool. And Peyton's heart aches because with that maturity comes freedom and with that comes a whole new set of dangers that she can't lead her through. She's not needed in the same way anymore and it terrifies her.

'I'm not...I'm not complaining...I just...I don't know...' Erin doesn't want to sound mean. She doesn't want to be mean but there are things she wants to say, is dying to say, questions she wants to ask, has wanted to ask for a long while and they come out in a flurry of words. 'I mean sometimes I feel like you...I, you, you don't want to talk to me about stuff- Dad was the one to have _the_ _talk_ with me, Dad was the one that told me about periods and stuff and I just, I wish you'd talk to me because sometimes I feel, I feel like you hate me...' She trails off because she can see Peyton's eyes welling with tears and she doesn't want to be the reasoning behind them.

'Erin I, god I love you so much!' Peyton exclaims, shaking her head and blinking.

'I know' Erin whispers.

'Well you obviously don't if you think I could hate you!'

'You can love and hate someone Mum' She murmurs softly and Peyton is struck silent by her statement. 'I'm sorry. I've upset you. I didn't...I just wish you'd look at me like you look at Sawyer'

She blinks again. It's like a knife to the chest. Sharp. Quick. Numbing. She wants to scream. Wants to run. But she doesn't.

Composure is something she's always been pretty wonderful at. She's good at whipping out a mask and feigning that everything is alright.

Erin hates that mask.

'I don't want you to think about any of this' Peyton suddenly stands up straighter, her tone stern. 'It's not something you need to think about. It happened a long time ago and it's something that me and your Dad have gotten through. So just, just forget it honey and know that I, I love you' She hesitantly strokes a hand over her daughter's face. 'You look beautiful Erin' She musters quietly, a forced smile at her lips and then she's walking away.

'Mum wait-'

The door is quick to click shut behind her and Erin exhales heavily because she feels a thousand miles away from her mother and all she wants, more than anything in the whole wide world is to be right beside her.

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She's been acting strange all evening. It's like she's in her own little bubble. She's deaf to his words. He's asked her what's wrong. She said nothing but he's not stupid. He reads his book as they lay in bed together but she doesn't snuggle up to him as usual. She stares blankly up at the ceiling and he's reading words but they're not going in because he can see her through his peripheral vision, see her hands pinching the skin at her wrists.

He puts his book on the bedside table and turns the lamp off, rolling onto his side. His hand closes over hers, gently stopping her fingers from harming herself anymore.

'Baby, you know you can speak to me' He murmurs softly.

She snaps too at his words and moves closer into his arms in an attempt to convince him that she's okay. 'I know. I'm okay' She assures him and closes her eyes because she's not okay and tears are prickling and she doesn't want him to see. Doesn't want to relay to him what Erin had in her room because the fact that her daughter thought she could possibly hate her has had her feeling sick ever since.

Sleep comes surprisingly quickly. She's exhausted herself with thinking. But she can't escape, not even in her sleep.

Her body thrashes in sudden tiny jerks and it startles him from his own restless slumber.

'Peyt' He rubs his sleepy eyes and gently smoothes a hand over her arm.

They'd fallen asleep with her head buried in the crook of his neck; her favourite place to be. But now she's on the edge of the bed and they're divided and he hates that.

Her face is crumpled and she's murmuring something.

'Peyton' He kisses her shoulder, hoping to wake her gently.

'No...No...No'

'Peyton?' His heart clenches because this hasn't happened for a long while and he'd hoped they were at a point where it would never happen again.

She's shuffling away from him.

'Baby open your eyes' He urges, his hand gently reaching for her wrist in an attempt to stop her falling off the bed. 'Darling-'

'Get off. Get off. Get off' Her growl is frantic and his hand instantly releases her as though he's been burned.

She stumbles out of bed and her eyes are open now, dark and unseeing and he know's she's not here in the now. She's not with him.

'Peyton breathe. It's me. Come back to bed'

He pulls the sheets back and stands slowly. She's fumbling around near the chest of draws and he knows what she's looking for.

The baseball bat.

He moved it after the time she'd hit him with it. He'd been lucky that she'd missed his head, instead catching his shoulder. She'd felt awful for weeks for the black bruise that had covered his upper arm.

He slowly approaches her. 'Peyton'

She spins around, startled and he hates the way her body reels back against the wall, cowering like a wounded animal.

She's shaking her head.

'You can't make me. Don't make me. Please don't make me'

'I'm not going to make you do anything' He thinks his words are a waste of time; from his experiences she can't hear him, she only hears what the dark monster wants her to.

She's nearly within his reach.

He knows he needs to stop this before it goes any further. He knows if she gets out of this room she'll be in search of a baby Sawyer. But there is no baby Sawyer, the baby has become an eleven year old that he doesn't want to wake up and scare. And when she realises there's no baby to be found she's going to become hysterical.

Her hand springs out and snatches the nearest object, lurching their framed wedding photo at him. He dodges it and it makes a loud noise as the glass shatters against the adjacent wall.

He grabs her wrist before she can scarper and then she's flailing arms and legs and he struggles to maintain a hold on her. She's relentless and she's whimpering and telling him to let go over and over.

'Peyton it's me. It's Lucas' He knows if he can get her still enough he can get her to come round.

The first time had been the scariest. He'd not known what was going on.

That doesn't mean it's easier.

She's not had an episode of this nature for several years and he doesn't understand why it's happening.

One of her thrashing legs trips him and he looses his footing and one second he's wrestling to keep a hold of her and the next they're both falling to the floor with a loud thud.

He's worried that she may have bashed her head and he's worried because he's more or less landed on top of her and she's suddenly motionless.

'Peyt are you okay?'

He wonders if the fall is enough to break the wicked spell she's under.

Their faces are a breath away and he's still holding her wrists tightly. He closes his eyes and rests his forehead on hers. He takes a deep breath, and exhales slowly as he opens his eyes.

The press of her lips and the sweep of her tongue takes him by surprise. It's not the reaction he'd been expecting.

He pulls back to look at her.

He's uncertain. He's torn and hesitant because these episodes, if anything are always predetermined in someway. There are patterns; she usually breaks down crying as she comes too. She's always trembling and frightened because it all feels so real. She never reacts in this way and he's reluctant and unsure.

Her legs move beneath him spreading further apart to cradle him and then she's forcibly pressing her lips back against his.

He fights against the desire that is quick to course through him, trying to push her back gently by her shoulders.

But she isn't having it; insistently keeping her lips moving against his, trying to engage him in the kiss.

He's weak. Weak when it comes to her. He relents but he knows as soon as he opens his mouth to her, knows when her tongue moves against his that this isn't her, that she's not kissing him.

But it's too late.

He hastily pulls back and his eyes widen as he notes the shard of glass she has pointed at him.

'Peyton'

Her cheeks are flushed red as she shoves against his chest, the weapon in her hand and violent look in her eyes, forcing him back while a harsh stream of words tumble relentlessly from her lips.

Despair and guilt snare him.

She's looking at him like he's the most depraved human being, looking at him like he's violated her in the worst possible way.

And he feels like he has. Because he knows she just thought she was kissing _him_ and that makes him feel physically sick. He never wants her to think he's _him._

She shuffles back along the carpet.

She's gripping the jagged piece of glass with such ferocity that there's a trail of crimson forming down her arm.

'Peyton' He mutters weakly as she blindly reaches for the door handle with her free hand. 'Let go of the glass. You're hurting yourself'

The door swings open and for a moment she freezes and he holds his breath and then in a flurry of movement she's darting through the door, scrambling to her feet and he's lurching after her.

She's quick but he's quicker.

He's had his practice.

He catches her just before she reaches their youngest daughter's room and she screeches loudly as he tugs her back and his stomach sinks.

Because he knows their children are going to appear now and this is never something he wants them to see.

With urgency he pushes her back against the wall and she's jabbing the shard of glass in his direction and he does well to dodge her attempts.

'Stop it' His voice is harsh, stern and self-hate blazes fiercely inside him; he hates this, hates that he's restraining her like this, hates the way she shrinks back and defeat foils the last of the fight in her green eyes.

'Daddy you're hurting her' His head darts to the side and he swallows thickly as he notes his daughters' hovering outside their bedroom doors. 'Daddy' Sawyer's bottom lip trembles and he wants to embrace her and assure her everything is alright.

'Erin take your sister back to bed. It's alright girls'

Erin is old enough to see that everything isn't alright but she does as her father requests because her sibling is scared and she's the only one that can offer her comfort right now.

She takes the eleven year old by the hand and guides her back into her horsey themed bedroom, trying her best to ignore her Mother's whimpering behind them.

Sawyer's feet drag as she cranes her neck to see her father urging her Mother to drop whatever she's holding but all she can see is blood.

'Sawyer' Erin hisses, jerking her forward; unlike her little sister she isn't keen to watch anymore. She closes the door hurriedly as soon as they've safely crossed the threshold.

'What's wrong with Mum?'

'Get into bed' Erin adjusts the bedcovers and gestures for her to lay down.

Sawyer begrudgingly does so. 'Why is she bleeding? Why is Dad hurting her? Why is he doing that, Rin?'

Erin slides into the bed beside her and pulls the covers over them both.

'He's not hurting her Sawyer. She's the one trying to hurt him'

Sawyer snuggles closer, her watery eyes sparkling in the moonlight. 'But why...why would she want to hurt Dad?'

'She doesn't, not really. Of course she doesn't. She's just having a nightmare thing. It's like she's sleepwalking and she thinks he's someone else' She tries to explain.

'But...but she's never done it before'

Erin sighs. She doesn't know what to say. She knows her sister has the blissful gift of not knowing anything about the things that have happened in their family but she doesn't know what answers she's meant to give. What she's allowed to say.

'She has...it use to happen all the time when you were little. You just can't remember'

'But why?'

'I...I don't know'

'You're lying'

'I'm not'

'Are too. Dad says you always chew on your bottom lip when you're lying'

She rolls her eyes. Sawyer is definitely her father's child; she's far too observent for her own good.

'Just go to sleep Sawyer. Everything will be okay in the morning. I promise' Erin turns her head into the pillow and grimaces because apparently making false promises run in the family.

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He hears the shard of glass drop to the carpet with a light thud, his mouth is at her ear and he's humming. Humming songs that he knows she relates to him. He's murmuring that it's Lucas, that she's safe, that she's home, that their children are safe.

And then her body is limp and he lets go of her wrists and she's instantly wrapping herself around him like a vine and sobbing into his neck that she's sorry.

And he can breathe a sigh of relief. Because she's back. From the horrible hell she's just been entrapped in.

'It's alright. You're alright. It wasn't real' He picks her up and carries her back to their room and lays her down.

'Don't leave me'

He wants to get something to sort her arm out but she's clinging onto him, so he strokes his hand over her forehead and begins to hum to her again.

It always calms her. He wouldn't do it for anyone else. He can't hold much of a tune, but it's his voice and it's him and he's the only thing that makes her feel safe.

Exhaustion is quick to take her. Her lids grow heavy and only when her breathing evens out does he move to their ensuite bathroom.

She doesn't wake as he cleans up and bandages her war wound and he knows she won't, not until the next day.

He tries not to think about tomorrow. Tries not to think about the repercussions of this attack because it'll only fill him with dread.

Because it's an ongoing cycle; periods of normality, happiness and then it's as though her mood peaks and then plummets to an almighty low. But she's been good for so long this time, so much so that he'd had himself convinced it was finally over. He hopes it is.

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Erin is still wide awake when her Father appears in the shadows to check on them.

'Is she okay?' He asks quietly of his youngest daughter.

'She's asleep' Erin whispers back.

'Are you okay?' He kneels beside the bed.

She's not but she doesn't say so. 'Is Mum okay?'

'Yeah, she's sleeping now' He strokes her hair away from her face and kisses her forehead. 'Are you alright? I'm sorry you saw that darling'

'I saw blood'

He swallows. 'She accidentally cut herself on a broken picture frame. She's okay though'

Erin nods and pushes her tongue to the roof of her mouth and then she's shaking her head and her face is crumpling.

'Dad it's my fault'

'What? Of course it's not.'

She's never really understood what it is that happens to her; it's not happened in a long time and the last time she recalls, Lucas had assured her it was just her mother sleepwalking. She's not so stupid anymore and she's got a good idea of what triggered whatever it is that took over her mother's body.

'It is. I...I had some old newspaper articles in my room...from about...about it all and she...she saw...today...she saw them'

He can feel his face pale and dread shudders through him.

She knows by the way his brow furrows, by the way he squints down at her, by the way his face screws up that she really is responsible for this and her vision blurs with the onslaught of tears.

'Erin' He exhales and it's disappointment and anguish.

'I'm s-sorry Dad'

'I know, I know' He's quick to shake his head because he knows it's not her fault, not really and there's no way he wants her to feel responsible but it's devastating because he'd hoped Peyton was past this.

'I just, there's, there's things I wanted to know, to understand'

'Sweetheart, some things are hard for your Mum to talk about'

'I know that Dad' Her voice rises a little above a whisper. 'But I have two years of my childhood where you two weren't there, two years and all I get told is that you both wanted to be with me but you couldn't, that you were in prison for something you didn't do and a bad man took Mum away, I'm not six years old anymore. It's not enough' Her voice becomes louder.

His eyes dart to Sawyer as she stirs.

'Honey. You're going to wake her' She glares at him. 'We'll talk okay? Just not right now' He kisses her forehead again and she says nothing because it's never a good time for this talk it seems. 'Get to sleep you've got school tomorrow' He squeezes her hand and leaves them, sighing because he highly doubts his wife is going to want to _talk_ as he's just promised and he's not sure he can either.

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Peyton is quiet the next day. Absent.

He tries not to harass her about it.

He gets up as normal. He wakes the children and smiles as though the previous night never happened.

Erin hates those smiles but she doesn't comment on the fact that their mother isn't present at the kitchen table.

Sawyer isn't so subtle nor dismissive of the events of the last twenty four hours.

'Where's Mum? Is she okay?'

'She'll be down soon. She's just tired'

Sure enough she does appear but perhaps not as her most normal self. Albeit she's not the most spritely of people in the morning but the bags under her eyes together with the fact that she's not yet dressed signify a distinctive change.

'Are you alright Mummy?' Sawyer is suddenly disinterested with her cereal.

Peyton runs her hand over her daughter's head as she passes and forces a bleary smile. 'I'm fine baby'

Erin watches her through narrowed eyes. She knows she's not fine. She can tell Sawyer isn't all that convinced either.

Peyton instinctively cradles her injured arm against her chest as she walks the remaining few steps to the kitchen island where Lucas is pouring her some coffee. She puts her good hand on his back and slouches against him with a murmured thank you as he sets a mug in front of her.

'You okay?' He brushes her hair behind her ear and then his hand moves around her.

'Mm. I'm sorry...about last night' She quietly remarks.

He shakes his head, brushing off her apology. She has nothing to apologise for. He knows that, he wishes she did too. 'You not going in?'

She looks up at him. Her look says a thousand things. _No. I don't want to. Don't lecture me. Don't be mad at me. I don't feel well. I'm fine. Just tired. Don't question it. Just let it go. I'm so sorry. I'm fine. I'll be fine._

'I'll call in and let them know you're not well' He rubs her back and she settles her head on his shoulder. 'Do you think you need stitches in that? I wasn't sure-'

'No. It's not deep. I think. I think I'm just going to go back to bed'

He kisses her head and lets her go.

The next day she doesn't even get out of bed.

He's optimistic that she'll snap out of it.

On the third day he kids himself into thinking that she's just a bit under the weather.

Sawyer crawls into bed with her everyday after school and wills her to get up out of bed and return to her mother that helps her with her homework and hugs her when she's upset and still comes and kisses her goodnight. Erin draws deep into herself, locking herself away in her room to escape the darkness that she feels she's solely responsible for.

On the eighth day Lucas recognises that she needs more than just him. It's always so hard for him to accept that because he so badly wants to be enough but somethings are beyond his control.

'Baby' He's sat on the edge of the bed. 'I think I should take you to the doctors'

She's silent.

He runs his hand soothingly over her forehead.

'This isn't passing is it? And I think it'll be best if we go get you some help now...before it gets worse hey?'

She closes her eyes.

'I just want to help you'

And then she's crying. She's been overly teary in the last few days and he wonders if perhaps he's been oblivious to the tell tale signs, perhaps this has been brewing for a lot longer than he realised, perhaps the episode last week was just her breaking point. And he feels guilty. Guilty for not seeing if that is the case.

'I-I...I'm..s-s-s-sor-ry'

'Hey' He holds her. 'It's alright. You've got nothing to be sorry for'

'I don't...I-I don't wan-want to go on med-medication'

He rocks her in his arms. 'I know but it does help and it's not permanent. They're not addictive Peyt, you know that and you've not taken any in a long time now. You might just need some to help you get past this episode. Anyway we can see what the doctor says'

She doesn't argue. She's felt this way enough times to know that she needs help. That she's just falling deeper and deeper into a giant black hole but Lucas won't let her fall. He never lets her fall. He always pulls her back out. Builds her back up. Brings her back into the light.

They go to the Doctors. He goes in with her and the Doctor asks her a series of questions. Questions about her low mood, about whether she's having suicidal thoughts.

Her answers are always hesitant with him sat there beside him and he always wants to scream and shake her because sometimes her responses scare him to the very core.

She comes out with a prescription for antidepressants and another appointment to re-access how she's getting on in a few weeks.

He dreads the first week on them because they make her even sleepier at first and then she doesn't want to eat anything and she feels sick and then she's crying even more.

It's their young nieces seventh birthday and the last thing Lucas wants to do is go to the beach for the day with the whole family. Not when she's this way. But they both know they can't not show their faces so they all bundle into the car.

The girls are thankful to get out into the sun and run up and down in the fresh air.

Haley as always has done her utmost best and managed to decorate their patch of beach with flags and banners hanging from windbreakers and a picnic that would be hard to better.

Lydia twirls in front of them doning her swimming costume with the addition of a pink net tutu and a tiara.

Peyton easily pretends with her. It's easy with young children. Easy for her to paint on a smile and distract the numbing ache inside by enticing a giggle from her little nieces mouth. But when the child is drawn by her older brother and cousins to go down to the waters edge and paddle the smile slips from her face. She sits herself under one of the tents and tries to ignore the looks she's getting and the concerned words of her interfering family. She ignores Lucas brushing them off. Insisting she's fine and changing the subject. She lays down on the sandy blanket, pulls her sunglasses over her eyes and curls onto her side. She can see peoples bare feet through the flapping back of the shelter and is hypnotised by their movements.

Sawyer and Lydia join her at some point, both wrapped in towels, their hair windswept and damp.

'Are you okay Aunt Peyton? Mummy says your sad'

She hates Haley in that moment. Hates her for knowing. Hates her for saying things like that to her niece and daughter. Hates her because she doesn't understand. Doesn't know how it feels. Hates her because she wants to be like her. Wants to be free from this.

'I'm not sad honey. Just tired. I didn't sleep good last night'

She pulls Sawyer into her arms and taps Lydia's nose. 'You having a fun birthday?'

'Uhuh. We went swimming and Jamie tried to catch me and Sawyer but Erin helped us get away'

Peyton smiles as Lydia is quickly distracted by their conversation by the mention of presents outside.

'Are you sad Mum?' Sawyer mutters when they're alone.

'No sweetie. Not with you in my arms' She kisses her head. 'Go on. Go out and play'

After that day things get better. Slowly.

The hormones build in her blood stream and slowly begin to evade the dark thoughts that run riot on her weary mind.

She never notices- it happens too slowly but the change is always significant to him.

And the relief is always so overwhelming, so much so that he finds himself locked in the bathroom, sobbing his relief because slowly, but so very noticeably she's starting to reappear.

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'Why're there no pictures of me when I was born? There's lots of Erin'

It's such a casual question but both Lucas and Peyton freeze.

Their youngest child stares up at them. Innocent, bright eyes.

She's reached an age where she has questions; she's intrigued about where she came from, she likes to listen to stories of how her Mum and Dad fell in love.

Only this question has them both clamming up.

'Mum?'

Erin watches her parents fretful faces, exchange looks and wonders what they'll say, or more like what they'll surely not say.

'Your Mother, your Mother wasn't well' Lucas finally supplies. 'When you were first born and well...you both stayed in the hospital for a considerable amount of time and it just, it was a difficult time' He rambles.

Peyton anticipates her reaction. Anticipates her dissatisfaction with his fabricated explanation.

Erin doesn't even bother looking up from her plate. She doesn't want to get involved.

Sawyer eyes them all suspiciously. Three years ago she would have been naive enough to think nothing of their answer but now, now she sees. She sees the lies. Only she doesn't know how to respond to them because your parents are meant to always be right, always be honest and truthful.

She backs away from the table and blinks.

Lucas changes the subject and is asking Erin what time she wants to be picked up from cheer practice. She says she doesn't need picking up. He says he's picking her up so lets not argue about it. She rolls her eyes and reluctantly mutters five. The truth is there is no cheer practice. She's meeting her boyfriend. At least she thinks he's that now. They've been meeting up regularly for the past few months. Every cheer practice was a date with the boy that made everything better.

'Five. Okay. You better go'

Erin stands and takes her sisters hand sympathetically. She knows what it's liked to be kept in the dark. She tells her they should get going or they'll miss the bus.

'Erin what really happened?' Sawyer asks when they're at the end of the pathway.

Erin looks down at her baby sister and affectionately adjusts the slipping hair slide that's about to fall out of her fair bob.

'I don't know Sawyer'

She realises now that she wants to protect her sister as much as her parents do.

'Am I adopted?'

'What?'

'Adopted?'

Erin's brow furrows and her little sister's question has her thinking. What if her father wasn't Sawyer's? Biologically anyway. She feels sick. She forces a smile and shakes her head. 'Don't be stupid. Have you looked in the mirror?'

The bus pulls up and instead of going to the back where her friends are sat, Erin sits next to her sad eyed sister.

'Hey. It's alright kido'

'What's wrong with Mum? She's taking tablets. I saw them on her bedside table. Do you think she's dying?'

'No. She's not dying'

'She barely got out of bed last week. You know don't you? You know what's wrong with her. I'm not a baby. I can handle it. Tell me!' She demands.

'She just...the tablets she's taking, Well they help her feel not so tired. Happier. Herself'

'But why does she feel like that? Why has she been in bed?'

'Look, you're just a kid' Erin blurts, her patience on the subject dwindles as she struggles to answer the complex questions being fired at her. She doesn't have the answers. She doesn't know the facts. She finds it hard to wrap her head around too. 'You can't understand. She's going to be fine. That's all that matters'

She sighs as she watches the eleven year old's bottom lip wobble but she doesn't cry.

'Go sit with your friends' Sawyer icily mutters.

'What?'

'I don't want to sit with you'

'Sawyer-'

'Go!' Her harsh growl makes Erin jump. She reluctantly gets up. Wishing she'd handled that a whole lot better because she's meant to look after her sister and she feels like all she keeps doing is hurting the most important people in her life.

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It's her prom night and Lucas has been on edge since he dropped her off.

Peyton's not seen him so anxious in a long while and she does her best to calm him.

He's out the door in plenty of time to go pick her up and Peyton hovers downstairs awaiting their return. She wants this night to hurry up and be over because she's sure the stress of it isn't good for her husband's health. But she also wants them to hurry up and get back so she can see her daughter's smiling face and listen to what a wonderful time she had.

When the front door opens not fifteen minutes later, what she's greeted with isn't exactly what she'd been anticipating.

Erin pushes straight past her and makes a beeline for the stairs.

'Erin?' Her eyes jerk to Lucas. 'What's wrong with her?'

'I don't know. I couldn't get a word out of her' He rubs the back of his neck. 'And then she started crying when we turned into our street'

'I'll go speak to her'

Lucas nods, feeling helpless to the whole situation.

Peyton gingerly lets herself into Erin's room with a little knock.

'Baby what's the matter?' She's concerned. More than concerned. She thinks perhaps Lucas was right along. She thinks she made a mistake because her baby is crying and her husband is pacing back and forth downstairs, worried sick because he couldn't get a word out of his precious daughter.

Erin sniffles and shakes her head.

'You can talk to me' Peyton pleads, perching on the end of the bed.

'I...not about this' Erin refuses, her answer muffled by the pillow her head is buried in.

'Sweetheart you can talk to me about anything, absolutely anything' Peyton argues, stroking her hand soothingly over her daughter's blonde locks. 'Did you fall out with your friends?' She assumes, hopeful that this is all this is. Tears over a teenage squabble, something that will most likely be forgotten about by the following week.

She doesn't expect Erin's next words. Not for a moment.

'He wanted to sleep with me!' She blurts suddenly.

'What?' Peyton's voice barely travels across the space between them. This is off chartered territory. For both of them. 'Who. Who does?'

The teenager tilts her head to the side so she can wipe her running nose on the back of her hand. 'We...we've been talking about it for a while'

'We?'

'My...my boyfriend'

'Your boyfriend?' Peyton all but shrieks, simultaneously standing. 'Since when do you have a boyfriend?'

Erin sits upright, her eyes frantic. 'I couldn't tell you. I didn't want you and Dad to freak out-'

'We wouldn't have freaked out'

Erin looks at her with raised eyebrows.

'Okay, so your father may have needed some time to get use to the idea but this is something you need to share with us Erin' Peyton stresses. She's freaking out. Just as her clever daughter anticipated. She's thinking back to when she was this age. She's remembering all the things she got up to and hoping to god that her daughter isn't repeating history. She always thinks there's not a single thing that goes on in Erin's life that she's not aware of and it terrifies her that apparently she's been completely naive, apparently a blindfold has been tugged down over her eyes.

Erin is silent. Shoulders hunched. Avoiding her mother's searching eyes at all costs.

'He wants to sleep with you?' Peyton can't avoid the way her voice comes out in a stern, unsympathetic manner. She's angry though. She's angry because she doesn't want any boy going near her baby.

'I, I love him!' Erin's eyes dart up suddenly. 'Brooke said I'd know if I loved someone and I do! And as long as we're safe it's okay'

'Brooke? You spoke to Brooke about this?'

Erin nods slowly. 'I asked her to get me some...some...'

'Some?'

'Some condoms'

'You asked your aunt to get you contraception?!'

Peyton thinks she's going to need to lay down. Her head is spinning. She remembers exactly what she'd done when she'd first thought she'd loved a boy; she'd let Nathan Scott take her up to his room when his parents were away and she'd done things with him that she'd not been ready for.

'I love him' Erin emphasises. 'At least I think I do and I thought, I thought I wanted to too but I...' She pushes the heels of her palms into her eyes and inhales sharply.

Peyton is silent.

She realises now that her daughter isn't a child anymore. She's growing up and that terrifies her.

'I couldn't do it. I was just...I freaked-'

'Did he hurt you?' Peyton cuts in, her voice suddenly steely. She's clueless as to where they were planning to do _this_ at a school prom but that's the last question on the tip of her tongue 'Did he force you?' This is her worst nightmare. She couldn't bear it. She couldn't bear it if her own baby was harmed this way. 'Erin?'

She's only ever seen the look in her mother's eyes once before. That day, so long ago when all their lives were changed forever. That day the warrior that looks down at her now had appeared, ready to kill anyone that ever dared to hurt her.

It was the warrior in her, the inate instinct to protect Erin that had resulted in her disappearance, as far as Erin was concerned anyway and with that thought she sobs again.

'No! He, he was wonderful and understanding and said tha-that it does-doesn't matter and that he'll wa-wait and th-that he does-doesn't think he's re-ready either'

Peyton expels a breath she didn't know she was holding and the knot in her stomach loosens and she silently thinks that this boy, this unknown boy that she speaks of has to be one of the good ones, prays he's one of the good ones.

'Why're you crying then honey? It doesn't matter- you're only sixteen you've got the rest of your life for boys and sex, when you're ready you'll know and it'll just happen...I wish I'd waited'

It's something little, but Erin revels in it because it's personal and her mother doesn't confide in her, not with things like this. She looks up into her mother's caring green eyes.

'You do?'

Peyton shifts her weight. 'Yes...I, I was in such a hurry to grow up. I was forced to grow up when my mum died but honey you, you don't have to hurry. You've got me and your dad' Peyton approaches the bed and sits down on the edge, taking her daughters hands. 'Erin sex...it' She swallows. 'It's a big deal okay? It's something you should think about because when you're with the right person it's...it's the most special, most beautiful thing, you don't need to hurry it' Erin sniffles again. 'Don't be upset or embarrassed because you said no. You're mature and brave to know yourself, to know what you want. There's nothing wrong with saying no-'

'That..that's not why I'm crying' She admits softly. 'When I, when I told him to stop, he, he didn't at first and I panicked but it, it was only cause he didn't hear- he stopped so quickly when I said it again. But for that split second I thought he wasn't going to and then I, I thought of you and all the times he must of hur-hurt you'

Peyton's attentive stare abruptly leaves her daughter's tear stained face. She stiffens.

'You were gone so long...all the times you must've said no and he didn't listen and I-I can't-'

'Erin' Peyton shakes her head. 'Please don't think about that' She forces a smile. 'I'm fine, we're fine'

Erin gazes at her.

Her mother can be affectionate and loving but this subject has her building a wall high between them.

'You just said it's the most special thing when you're with the right person. You weren't, you-'

'God I wish you hadn't got all those newspaper cuttings from the library' Peyton talks over her and abruptly stands.

'Mum did you seriously think I'd never ask questions? That I'd just forget? I'm not Sawyer! I don't get to forget'

'Honey-'

'I feel so guilty'

Peyton's eyes reluctantly meet the young lady before her. She's not her little girl anymore. 'Guilty?'

'I spent so long hating you. When you were taken from me. I hated you. When you were gone all that time. I hated you. When you were found. When I saw you for the first time in that hospital bed with dark hair. I hated you. You weren't my Mum. You weren't my Mum when you came back either. And even after I let you back in, I've...I've still always really begrudged Sawyer and how she's had you her whole life and...' Erin takes a much in need breath and swallows. 'I had so much hatred but none of it was your fault and only now, that I'm old enough to understand...you never deserved my hatred...I deserve yours though, I-'

'Darling' Peyton naturally closes the gap between them, cocooning her within her arms again. 'I have never. Ever, ever, hated you and you don't need to feel guilty, you have nothing to be guilty for.'

'I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I made you have a flashback or whatever those things are. I'm sorry you're taking anti-depressants again'

Peyton's heart breaks. 'None of that is your fault Erin' She croaks out because she realises she can't hide any of this from her anymore. She knows without being told. She sees so much more than anyone gives her credit for. 'I'm sorry too, I'm sorry for the ways this has and does affect you. But it's not your fault. None of it.' She urges her to lay down. 'Come on, you're getting yourself into a state. Close your eyes' She lays with her, brushes her hand over her forehead and shushes her to sleep and for a moment Erin feels like she's a little girl again and her Mother can make everything alright.

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'Is she alright?'

Peyton nods and drops onto the sofa.

'What's wrong?'

'Nothing'

'Peyton' He's stood before her, eyes worried and curious. 'Yes there is. She was crying for heavens sake. You don't get to lie to me about our daughter'

She bites her lip.

'She...she went to the library...she researched my disappearance in the newspaper archives...she, she knows everything and she, she keeps asking questions and I can't talk to her about any of it' It's the truth. In a way. It's her desire to protect him, to protect him from the stress of worrying that he'll no doubtably do that stops her from witholding the complete reasoning behind their daughter's tears.

He's crouched down on the floor before her, one hand on her knee the other stroking over her cheek. He doesn't tell her that he already knows, that Erin told him. To tell the truth he's a little disheartened that it's taken her this long to confide in him. He knows it's not the case but it makes him feel like she doesn't trust him. He thinks she shouldn't; he's let her down too many times.

'You want me to go see her-'

'No. She doesn't want you. She wants me. She wants her mother, she wants me to talk to her but I fucking can't.'

'Peyton' He coos.

She sighs. 'I need to see Brooke' She abruptly announces, brushing his comforting hands away.

'It's getting late'

'I need to see her'

'Okay, okay' He sees determination invade her features. She's still stubborn when she wants to be. 'You want me to drive you?'

'No. I can drive myself'

'I don't like you driving when you're so upset'

'I'll be fine. It's a block away. I'll text you' She's standing now.

He can tell by the fire in her eyes that she won't be budged. He lets her go.

'Peyton'

She stops before the door and looks over her shoulder. She feels bad because she knows he's not going to be able to relax until she's back here but none the less she wants to go. Has to.

'I love you'

'I love you' She smiles wearily back. 'I won't be long. I'll text you'

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Brooke is in a pair of sleep shorts and an oversized t-shirt when she opens the door. She has a baby bottle in one hand a comforter draped over her shoulder and despite her anger, Peyton briefly notes how much being a mum suits her. Not that it's a surprise. She's happy for the brunette. She's happy that she's got everything she deserves. 'P, what're you doing here so la-' Peyton pushes past her. 'Okay, what's happened?'

'Did you buy Erin condoms?' Peyton hisses.

'Er yeah?' Brooke answers. 'That's a bad thing because...?'

'She's sixteen!'

'Oh pur-lease. You can talk slut. You were fucking Nathan way before-'

'Brooke!' Peyton cuts in sharply. 'Erin is not me'

'Really? Cause that brooding face of hers looks more and more like you every day.' She sets the empty bottle on the side board, snatching up a baby monitor as she moves into the living room and sits down.

Peyton follows but doesn't sit. She's too riled to sit.

'She's a kid. She's better than me and if she can't walk into a shop and buy contraceptives herself then she sure as hell isn't ready. She's too young-'

'Did you walk in on her fooling around?'

'What? No! She's not...She didn't...She hasn't-' Peyton shakes her head vigorously.

'Well that's great isn't it? Why're you so upset?'

'Because my daughter came to you and you didn't think to tell me any of this'

'Oh come on- She trusts me. I'm not about to betray her'

'But you'll betray me right? I'm meant to be your best friend'

'You fucking are! She came to me okay? She came to me and was asking me all these questions. Short of actually chaining her to her bed, you can't stop her from doing everything and if she's going to do it wouldn't you rather she do it safely?'

Peyton takes an exasperated breath. 'Of course I would but instead of supplying her with contraception you could've just encouraged her to wait'

'You don't think I didn't do that too? Give me a bit of credit P Sawyer' Brooke sighs. Feelings that have long since been buried beneath the surface are bubbling dangerously in the back of her throat. It's hard, so very hard because she has an alliance to Peyton and who is she to tell her how to raise her kids? But she also holds the sixteen year old in question, close to her heart and it's impossible not to voice her opinions when it comes to all matters Erin Penelope Scott. 'I told her to talk to you because that's what she really needs, She needs a Mum. She needs you.'

'And I'm not fulfilling that role, is that it? You'd be so much better wouldn't you B and besides she's clearly more comfortable talking to you about everything'

'Oh Peyton, honey' The brunette reaches for her, understanding the underlying reasoning behind this late night rampage. This is as much about Peyton and her insecurities as it is about Erin 'That's not what I meant at all. You know that's not true'

'Isn't it?'

'No. It so fucking isn't. You're wonderful and she wants you so badly. She wants to tell you so much but you're different with her. Why do you think she came to me? She feels like she can't talk to you about this stuff because you don't speak to her about it. You have this shield built so fucking high and I get it, I do. But your daughter, you don't need to shield her from you, you need to let her in'

'I love her' Peyton grinds out. She fears Erin still doubts that. Now Brooke too. She feels like she's under scrutiny.

'I know that' Brooke nods. 'And I also know that you felt that being away from her was the worst possible torture that you endured whilst you weren't here with us all. Not him raping you or beating you or doing any god forsaken thing. It was not seeing her face, not seeing Luke' The tired blonde blinks and a silent tear races down her porcelain cheek. Brooke takes her hand. 'I've told her that but it's not really the same coming from me'

'You...you've talked to her about...about...Ian?'

'She has questions...I don't have the answers'

Peyton's steely expression crumples into one of distress. 'I can't speak about that with her Brooke'

'I know but I, I really think you should try. Wouldn't you rather she heard your story and not some newspaper article? I mean christ she asked me the other week if Lucas is actually Sawyer's real father'

Peyton's eyes widen. 'Oh god'

Brooke tugs her by the hand, helplessly watching her friend crumble. 'It's alright. Here, come sit down' She coaxes. 'You look like shit' Her teasing provokes a tired smile onto Peyton's face. 'Luke told me he took you to the Doctors a few weeks ago?'

'Mm' She reluctantly confirms. She's not mad at him for divulging that information to her best friend; he only does it cause she can't and she needs her friend to know, even if it's hard. 'I'm on meds again. They always make me feel so sleepy at the start. I've been walking around like a fucking zombie and I, I hate it. I thought I was over this and now...' She shakes her head. 'I feel like I'm failing-'

'You're not' Brooke's voice is stern, verging on angry. 'God you could never fail'

'No? Brooke It's been ten years and I'm not over this. I have two girls that need a Mum that half the time is emotionally unavailable and a husband that's scared to raise his voice at me at all because I'm still lingering on something that happened ages ago. All because I'm self pitying-'

'Peyton you went through fucking hell. You were forcefully taken from your life. You didn't have choices. You were a prisoner. You were abused physically, sexually, emotionally. It's not insane for you to struggle with depression. It doesn't mean you're weak or that you're failing. There are just, just certain things you haven't dealt with yet and it takes time. And I know you saw a counsellor for a while and she helped but maybe you should look at going back because to me, it seems like you've been burying your head in the sand for a while now. You smile and laugh and go through the motions but depression is an illness and I know you're taking medication but I really think talking about it would help. This was never going to be easy but god honey you've done so fucking well, you've coped with all this amazingly and they've been so many good, happy times since but it doesn't just go away, it can come and go. And it's nothing to do with you failing or not being able to beat this. You might have it forever but I know you're strong enough to survive it P. You always say you shouldn't be feeling like this after so much time has past, that it's in the past but things that happened in that time, it affected a lot of things, not just you. And your children are reaching an age where how it affected them is coming to light and it's not just about you and Erin. Sawyer's going to have questions too P'

'I know' Peyton sighs. 'She asked me the other day why there aren't any baby photos of her. I didn't know what to say. How do you tell an eleven year old she didn't have the most conventional start to life?'

'See you saying things like that. It says a thousand things'

'What?' Peyton looks at her indignantly.

'You and Luke, you try and shelter them from the truth, like you're protecting them but you're just pushing them away. They can handle the truth. I'm not saying Sawyer need know the gory details but you should be able to tell her that this awful thing happend and she wouldn't think any less of you for it'

'I have this image in my head, of how I hope they look at me. I want them to think I'm strong and kind and loving and understanding-'

'You're all of those things Peyton'

'I won't be the second they know everything. Maybe I can't fool Erin but Sawyer.'

'Sawyer is all her Daddy. She has this amazing awareness Peyton, you can lie to her but she'll reach an age where she won't be fooled any longer'

'Are we that fucking dysfunctional?'

'Everyone is dysfunctional P Sawyer. Me included. But the people that love you the most embrace you, all of you, the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. Sawyer's not going to love you any less because she spent the first year and a half of her life living with a psychopath. She can't even remember.'

Peyton sighs, slouching against her friend. Brooke's arm moves around her.

'For the record B Davis, it wasn't just Erin and Luke that was painful to be away from'

Brooke Looks down at her with watery eyes.

'So you don't hate me for giving your daughter condoms?'

'No' She laughs lightly. 'But god please don't do that again. You're fucking lucky it wasn't Lucas that Erin had this chat with. I think he'd have slaughtered you alive'

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'Dad!' Erin shrieks, hurrying up the path toward him because he looks crazed.

It's a Thursday, early evening and she's just got back from the supermarket with Peyton and Sawyer.

She blocks his path as he marches down from the house. He looks like he's about to reinact the day he'd hit Sarah Lakeland's father. She'd been eleven at the time and their car had broken down. Mr Lakeland had been kind enough to help before Lucas turned up, he'd rocked up and had jumped to his own conclusion as to why Peyton's arm was bleeding. It hadn't occurred to him for one moment that she could've possibly hurt herself. Not in that moment. He'd seen red and pounced accusingly on the man standing beside her. Erin wasn't asked round to Sarah's house again after that day.

'Dad' Her voice is high pitched and she shakes her head. 'She dropped the shopping. He just helped us pick it up' She feels ridiculous as she frantically announces what she knows any normal family wouldn't need to be alerted to. Any normal father wouldn't come rushing out of the house as his wife interacted with a kind passer by as though he were a predator about to pounce on some defenceless prey.

He halts in his track and Peyton catches his eye over the bonnet of the car. She thanks the gentleman again and then she's walking toward them and she pecks his lips, pushes the brown paper bag of shopping into his arms and pretends she didn't see the crazed look that Erin saw so clearly.

The sixteen year old follows them inside and she's suddenly angry.

'You're so fucked up. The pair of you!' She blurts.

Her parents are astounded. By the severity in her voice. By her cussing.

Sawyer jumps a mile and stares wide eyed at her sister.

'Erin Penelope Scott' Lucas barks.

'What?'

'I don't want to hear you saying things like that'

'It's true! You were just about to pummel a poor guy out there for helping Mum pick up a few Apples! And then you both come in here and act as though that's completely normal. News flash- it so fucking isn't'

'Language' Lucas warns again.

'Big deal. Whatever. I'm not the one that's insane. I'm not the one that thinks it's normal that you don't let your sixteen year old walk anywhere after 5pm by herself! I'm not the one that thinks it's normal that we live in a freaking prison! If there was ever a fire in this house we'd all burn to death because it's like Fort Knox! None of it's normal! Mum leaves a room, you follow ten minutes later to check she's okay like she's a fucking invalid! Like she's gone and she's never coming back! I'm sorry for what happened I am, but Ian Banks is in prison now'

She tosses the bag of groceries she's been gripping onto angrily since she started her speech and it topples over, the contents clattering over the sideboard and floor. She doesn't bother to help retrieve the items.

'Erin' Peyton pleads but her teenager is gone.

They both grimace as her feet stomp up the stairs and then her bedroom door slams on the floor above them and the crockery sitting on the shelves shudders.

'She's right' Peyton mutters.

'No she's not' Lucas disagrees. He's directly before her in a second. His face is flushed with anger because Erin is his little girl and the things that were just coming from her mouth were not that of a little girl's vocabulary. 'She's not Peyton'

'Yes she is Luke. We're not normal'

'Who's normal? Nobody is normal. Sure we may do things certain ways but so does everyone'

'Yeah, well not everyone behaves like you just did-'

'I can't help that I'm protective'

She nods.

'I know. God I know' She slides her arms over his shoulders, joining her hands at the nape of his neck. 'I know' She settles her head against his chest. She knows he can't help it but for their children's sakes she wishes they could both change their ways.

Sawyer feels invisible as she watches her parents. She knows they're oblivious to her frozen form standing in the corner. She silently backs out of the kitchen, her eyes wide and glassy. She's suddenly overwhelmed by the thought that perhaps her parents aren't who she thinks they are. Perhaps Erin knows something she doesn't. Perhaps they've all got a big secret and she doesn't understand and she knows she's just a kid but she's hell bent on finding out what they're hiding.

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'Sometimes I just want to scream' She's staring out the window. She's trying to pretend she's not actually here, in this room. Again. She doesn't want to look at her surroundings, doesn't want to focus on the stress ball that sits on the coffee table. The box of tissues. The jug of water. The books on psychology. On Depression. Anything that screams loudly that she's sat in a counsellors office.

'Scream?' The other woman's voice is soft and soothing. Initially, along time a go now, Peyton had hated how calming it was but now, now she appreciates that she could tell this woman anything, anything at all and not be judged, not be screamed at and most importantly, it wouldn't leave these four walls.

'Yes'

'Scream' Janice' encourages.

Peyton looks about self consciously.

'Perhaps into the pillow if you'd prefer?'

She worries her bottom lip. From experience she knows the other woman would quite happily wait for her to respond. She'd sat here in silence many a time before she'd resolved and cleared her mind.

The piercing noise that leaves her lips thrums through her.

For a moment it doesn't feel like her, she feels like she's having an out of body experience, that she's looking down at some crazy girl that's screaming her head off.

The tension slowly seeps from her, her limbs relaxing as she gasps for a breath.

'Better?' Janice enquires.

Peyton sinks back into the sofa more, her rigid body no longer, her mask fallen.

'A bit'

'It's alright to have an outburst Peyton. It's healthy. For everyone' Janice uncrosses her legs and uncharacteristically leans forward and touches Peyton's knee. 'You seemed tense when you first came in here. Like you were trying to pretend everything's okay' She withdraws her hand, remembering herself suddenly. It's been a while since she's had an appointment with the blonde and although she has a soft spot for her, she's not meant to favour patients. It's hard not to get emotionally caught up in certain cases though.

Peyton's eyes well. 'Sometimes I feel like all I do is pretend. Like I can't breathe. Like I'm trapped'

'Trapped by someone or something in particular?'

'Lucas. The children. Everyone'

'Why?'

'He smothers me. He watches me like a hawk and the instant I'm in a bit of a bad mood I see him silently fretting that it's going to turn into something more' She relays honestly. 'And the children they, they have questions, especially Erin. She has questions about everything, questions that make me want to crawl into a hole and die' She rambles.

'What kind of questions?'

'She has a boyfriend. I... she's reaching a point where she's thinking about sex'

'And that makes you uncomfortable?'

'Knowing that she's comprehending doing that?' She brings her legs up to her chest and joins her hands around them tight. 'Yes. She's my baby'

'That's the only reason why?'

'I'd had sex before I was her age and I, I look at her and she's so little. She's just a child. I don't feel like she's ready for that yet and I just I don't want to see her get hurt. I couldn't bare it if someone hurt her'

'Do you regret when you lost your virginity?'

'No. Well' She can feel her cheeks getting hot. She's uncomfortable with this subject. 'Not exactly. Looking back I wish I'd waited. I just followed the crowd you know? He was my boyfriend. I thought I loved him. I'd not experienced love yet though, I didn't know how good it can be when you really, really are in love'

'It's easy for everyone to say that'

'Mm...I guess, I mean Erin might hate us giving her rules and curfews but if I'd had someone breathing down my neck maybe things would've been different'

'Your father?'

She looks down. Janice knows it's a sore point.

'You still haven't spoken to him?'

'I don't know where he is. No one does. Lucas has tried getting in contact with him several times behind my back. I know it, he's not very good at being discreet, not with me anyway. My Dad could be dead for all I know'

'Does that upset you?'

'I don't know anymore. I don't understand. I guess I'm angry and constantly looking for someone to blame and it's easy to blame him'

'You blame him for being kidnapped?'

'No...well not completely. Rationally I know it's not his fault but he was never there. Never there to oversee what I was doing on the computer, never there to stop me using a webcam, never there to ask about who I'd spoken to or seen. Maybe if he had been he would've forbidden me to have my image spread all over the internet, like Luke and I check up to see what Erin's constantly doing on the web'

'But that's because you both have experience in such matters'

'I guess'

'The most attentive of parents can still miss things Peyton'

'I know'

'Do you think if you could go back and have a conversation with a younger version of yourself you would've listened?'

'No' She smiles. 'I wouldn't of listened to anyone. Especially if they were telling me what to do. I thought I knew best back then'

'Do you think Erin thinks the same way?'

'No. She's uncertain. Indecisive. Nervy. She's not like I was in that respect. I was fearless'

'Do you think she's that way for a reason?'

'Probably my doing' Peyton sighs.

'Is it her anxiety that makes you nervous about her being in a relationship?'

'I guess I'm just being a parent. I mean, I remember being her age, I remember feeling so grown up and sure of myself but I was clueless really'

'So you don't trust her judgement?'

'No, I do. She's not clueless like I was. It's her uncertainty and wariness that makes her see so much more and makes her more mature'

'So what makes you think he'd hurt her? That's what you're worried about right? That the boyfriend will harm her? If you trust her judgement why do you doubt him?'

'I just. I don't want her to ever be pressured or to feel like she hasn't got a choice. I don't want her to ever have to go through that'

'Go through something similar to what you did?'

She swallows. 'We're not talking about me'

'Essentially we are' The theraapist argues. 'It's only natural for you to feel this way, that it makes you anxious. You say she's been asking you questions?'

'Not so much questions. It's like she wants me to give her a detailed report of what... he did to me. She got all these newspaper articles from the library on my disappearance'

'It's only natural for her to have questions' Janice observes.

'Yes, but I don't really want to sit down and say hey honey, I'm responsible for another woman's death, Grace died because of me and yes I fucked another man the whole time we were apart, if I hadn't he swore he would of killed you and all of it, it killed me. It slowly killed me because I only ever wanted to do that with your father because that was his. I was his. And Ian stole that from me. He fucked up my mind and when I couldn't give him what he wanted. When he realised I'd never really love him, that's when the beatings started. That's when he'd take a belt to my back and I actually welcomed it. Preferred it. Preferred aching and being in constant pain when he fucked me because then it didn't seem quite as much like I was betraying your father' She expels. 'And then I finally came back home and I had you again only you didn't have me. Because I wasn't the same and I was so fucking aware of it that there were times, still are that I just want to hold you at arms length, to hide from you, to pretend I'm the Mother you lost. Would you want to tell your child any of that? Would you?'

Her bottom lip trembles as she chokes out her last word.

'I'm not suggesting you give her such a blunt version' Janice moves from her chair to sit beside her. She hands her a tissue.

'Why does she want to know?'

'Maybe it's a pretty significant event in her Mother's life and she sees that it affected her whole family. Maybe she's reached a point in her relationship with her boyfriend where she wants to take things to the next level. But maybe she's frightened. Because she knows perhaps her parents would disapprove. Perhaps she has the same fears as you. Maybe she knows you were hurt and she's scared that having sex will hurt but she's also scared to ask you these questions because she knows it's not the same. Maybe she thinks her fears and worries are insignificant because you've been through so much more'

'What am I meant to say?' Peyton sniffles.

'The truth' Janice answers simply. 'I think it'll be good for her and really good for you Peyton. You've spent so long trying to be this person that you think you were, for your family but you're still her, sure there are a few things that are different but honey they love you. Erin loves you.'

Peyton runs her hand through her hair and takes a shaky breath. 'I hate talking about it'

'I know. It's not easy' She gently stops Peyton's fingers from digging into the skin at her wrists. 'You want the stress ball?' Her voice is teasing.

Peyton glowers at her.

'Well stop hurting yourself' Janice answers her look.

She obediently flattens her hands out against the sofa.

'How's Lucas?'

'He's Lucas' Peyton shrugs. 'Carrying everyone's issues on his shoulders. Never complaining. Worrying incessantly about his wayward daughter. Worrying about his fucked up wife' She drones.

'And that irritates you?'

'Sometimes. He always looks after us but doesn't let anyone look after him. He treats me like I'm a china doll'

'Do you feel his worrying is unreasonable?'

'No. I get it. I get it completely. But I...I'm not going to break if he shouts at me if I annoy him'

Janice smiles in understanding. 'Have you told him how you feel?'

Peyton bites the inside of her cheek. 'Not in a long while. I guess I've given up on trying to prove to him that I'm okay. I guess I"m not okay otherwise I wouldn't be sat here'

'Peyton you're more than okay. You're doing great. You've just reached a new stage in your life, you're children are growing up and that poses more obstacles and you're overcoming them'

Peyton nods, not so convinced by Janice's interpretation.

'How's your sex life?'

She flushes and looks down.

'Fine'

'Just fine?'

'We have sex. What're you asking me?' She reluctantly meets Janice's gaze. She knows there's an underlying question. There always is. She just never knows what her therapists secret agenda is.

'You say Lucas treats you like a china doll. Does that apply in the bedroom too?'

'Yes' She mutters.

'Does that bother you?'

'What do you think?' She scoffs. 'I...I just wish he'd let go. You know? Not just for me, for him. It's like he's constantly restraining himself. Before...before it was like, sometimes he couldn't wait to have me, you know? He'd just, he'd push me up against the wall or steal a kiss or inappropriately touch me when all eyes weren't on us and it was, it was exciting. Now he barely kisses me unless we're in the bedroom and even then it's not the same'

'Have you told him?'

'No'

'Why don't you try doing that' Janice glances at her watch and rises to her feet. 'Why don't I see you same time next week?'

Peyton's startled by the abrupt end. It's always like that. She doesn't know why she's still surprised by the therapists casual ending to such a personal subject.

'That's it?'

'I think you've got enough to think about'

She nods. Her mind is already a little clearer. 'Okay. Thanks for seeing me on such short notice'

'Anytime Peyton. Day or night' They both rise to their feet. 'How would you feel if I spoke to Lucas privately?'

Peyton slings her bag over her shoulder and looks back up at the woman. 'Lucas?'

'Yes'

'Why?'

'I just think it would be beneficial, for the both of you'

'Would you talk about me?'

'Well, I think it inevitable that you may come up' Janice tells her honestly.

'Erm...I don't know if he'd be willing to but I guess I'm okay with it. If you think it will help'

'Okay. I'll give him a call later on. You want to take this with you?' Her voice is teasing as she tosses the yellow stress ball in Peyton's direction.

'Funny' Peyton catches it and throws it back in jest. 'I'll see you next week' She smiles.

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It's a Friday afternoon when Lucas appears in her office looking crazed and out of breath.

'Thank god. Why the hell aren't you answering your phone?'

'Oh, I must've left it in the studio' Guilt has her looking down. It's crossed her mind that she should probably go get it, crossed her mind that he'd be worrying.

'Why didn't you tell me you were coming here?- you just said you were going to the shops, I thought you'd be back within the hour' He barks.

She scowls absently 'Erin's right' She mutters.

He frowns.

'I was worried'

'Lucas I'm not a child!' She exclaims suddenly and it takes him by surprise because she never raises her voice. Not to him. Not to anyone.

'I know-'

'Do you? Because I'm allowed to come to my studio without telling you, you should just assume I'm here. No one else would come tearing down here after not knowing where their wife is for half an hour'

'It's been an hour'

'You smother me' She musters quietly. 'I know you worry and I know that's not your fault but we're not normal Luke- our own daughter can see it, why can't we?'

'We are normal' He argues.

'You try so hard to protect me but what you don't see is that you're acting like him' The words leave her mouth quick and she instantly regrets them because he looks like she's just stabbed a knife in his chest.

She swallows thickly.

His expression is dangerous and then he's in front of her and his hands are gripping her forearms and he's growling in her face.

'Don't you ever fucking compare me to him, don't you dare-'

'I...you don't realise it, but having to know where I am constantly, the incessant pandering, it's- it's kind of controlling and I know, I know you don't mean it to be but I can't breathe sometimes' She declares hurriedly.

'I love you! I couldn't bear it if anything happened to you again Peyton! I can't, I can't loose you again'

'But you're not going to!' Her voice becomes as loud as his is. 'He's in prison- for life'

'He's not the only fucking psycho in the world'

'No' She nods. 'But we can't live our lives like that'

He lets go of her suddenly and rakes his hand through his hair.

She watches his shoulders hunch and his fingers flex and can almost see the regret ripple it's way through his body.

'Did you know that in the last nine years, that's the first time you've yelled at me like that or touched me like that' She's not sorry at all for the way he's just spoken to her, nor touched her; it's invigorating in a way, she longs for them to treat each other as they once had but it's hard, it was always going to be hard.

His back is to her and he's leaning against the window, trying to control his breathing.

'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry' He mutters.

'You don't need to be sorry Lucas!' She approaches him and gently rests her hand in between his shoulder blades. 'Baby couples fight; they say horrible things to each other and they make up. You always bite your tongue when you're annoyed at me. You shouldn't feel like you're treading on egg shells the whole time'

He turns his head to look at her and she can see tears in his eyes and her heart aches. 'I don't ever want to be likened to him Peyton, I don't want to speak to you like that or do anything that reminds you of him but clearly even when I think I'm just being caring you compare me to him'

'Luke' She shakes her head. 'No, of course not. Luke I'm not going to break if you shout at me...It's like sex' She declares, her eyes avoiding his. 'You only ever initiate it when we're in the bedroom, you never push me up against a wall and just kiss me like you use to and I see it Luke, sometimes you're squinting at me and I know you want to just steal a kiss and you don't. And I know it's because you think pinning me to a wall is going to bring on a load of flashbacks but you're not him and it was never like that with him; I've told you before, he didn't often physically force me, he used words and it doesn't matter what he did to me, because you're not him. None of it means you can't touch me like you use to' She rambles. 'The difference is you're allowed to touch me Luke, I'm yours, I want you to have me when you need me or when you want me and if I don't want you to touch me you'll know about it'

He stares at her.

'Any time you touch me, it's like, it's like I'm a sheet of glass but I've been thrown down stairs, kicked and hit and I've not shattered'

'I just want you to feel safe'

'I do. Always with you. Always' She interlocks her fingers with him. 'Which is why you don't have to worry Luke. It's like you're constantly worried that you're going to hurt me but you don't need to be because I'm not'

His free hand moves around her neck and he kisses her forehead. 'I love you so much'

'I know you do. And I love you'

She runs her hand over his face and smiles softly. 'Kiss me'

He brushes his nose against hers before slowly obliging and tilting his face so their lips are aligned.

It's gentle and delicate.

'Harder' She whispers.

'Peyton'

Her fingers are knotted in his hair and she grips it tight. 'Harder' She repeats impatiently.

She ignores the pained look that crosses his face. Ignores his reluctance.

He kisses her harder and she presses herself against the hard planes of his chest.

'Harder'

'I'm not going to fucking hurt you' He groans his frustration at her exhaled demand.

'I'm not asking you to hurt me. I'm asking you to let go'

He strokes his hand down her side and she shudders because his touch is eager and firm and she loves it.

He starts to get the idea.

She feels it. Quite literally feels him letting go, feels his predetermined touches diminishing, feels his desire begin to govern every touch.

Her back hits the wall suddenly and she gasps and his mouth opens with an apology that she's quick to stop.

'Don't you dare say sorry. I'm fine' She murmurs. 'Just stop thinking about me for once'

He exhales against her lips. 'Baby that's impossible'

'Okay. Stop worrying about me. I'm not going to break Luke'

He's frozen for a moment, staring deep into her eyes.

And for a second she thinks he's going to refuse. That he's going to fade away and declare he can't.

But slowly his fingers move over her cheek, round her neck and are fisting in her hair and reuniting their lips.

And he suddenly can't slow down. Can't stop.

He bawls his hand in her dress and tugs it up without meeting her eyes, without silently asking for permission.

He pulls her leg up because he wants it wrapped around him. He pushes himself against her because he wants to. Because he wants to.

She scrapes her hand through the back of his hair and smiles and nearly comes apart because this is intense in the best possible way.

Because she's pretty certain this is the first time he's really let himself go. That he's not been restrained. The first time it's just been completely them. No kids. No friends. No family. No psychopath. No anxiety. No depression. No guilt. No nothing. Just them.

Well, it is for her.

After, the guilt comes in torrents and he feels sick. Because he doesn't see things as she does, doesn't quite believe her. Not anymore. His views on right and wrong are twisted in his mind. He's sure she's probably got it in her head that he's not content with her, that he need _that_. And that she doesn't care how it reminds him all of _him. _Because as he sees it, he just fucked her up against the wall. Marked her neck. Held her hands against the wall. And it's wrong. All wrong. And he doesn't want to be _him. _Never wants to be likened to _him._

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'Sawyer what do Mum and Dad always tell you about answering the door?' Erin scorns. It's a Monday, and that alone has put the teenager in a fowl mood because it's a whole four days until the weekend again.

'I'm not a baby Erin' The eleven year old fires back. She recognises this man. His picture is on the wall around their house.

'Inside. Now'

Sawyer sticks her tongue out at her older sister and pouts but stomps inside just the same.

'Oh...my' He's stunned.

Erin's fair eyebrows fold over her green eyes. Anger burns deep inside. She's angry because she fears she's turning into her parents. She's telling her sister off for opening the front door. She'd been worrying about what villan could potentially be on the other side. She's nervous because the person that she sees standing before her isn't one of the villans she'd conjured up in her mind but he's a villan just the same.

'You're the spitting image of your mother'

'I think you should go' Her voice is quiet but fierce.

'You remember who I am then?'

'You don't tend to forget your Grandad, especially not when his face is spotted around the house'

He nods. A pang of hope reflects in his eyes because they have photos of him up. 'I suppose not... er is your Mum in sweetheart?'

'Don't call me that. You have no right to call me that'

The silver haired man swallows. This is a carbon copy of his daughter; feisty, stubborn and beautiful as ever. This is how he remembers his daughter.

'You're right, I'm sorry. Your Mum, is she in?'

She stares at him.

He shifts his weight uncomfortably.

She's a closed book before him, one that he wants to open up and read.

But one thing she's clearly inherited is her ardent protectiveness.

'Erin who is it?'

He hears her voice before he sees her and it's like he can breathe for the first time in years.

She appears behind her daughter and her curious eyes narrow as she stares at him.

'Shall I call Dad?' Erin enquires softly.

The older blonde licks her lips and then she's shaking her head. 'No. No, go help your sister set the table'

'But-'

'Erin'

The teenager looks disheartened and Peyton's hand snaps out, quickly squeezing her daughter's fingers in reassurance. 'It's okay. I'm sorry, I'll be in, in a minute, okay?'

Erin nods and after a resolute glare in his direction she walks back inside.

He swallows thickly. 'I...she wasn't too pleased to see me'

'What did you expect?'

He nods and then shakes his head, his brow furrowed as he tries to string the right words together. 'You, you look the same' He's surprised because sure she looks a little older but her skin is glowing and her hair is just as silky as it was when he last saw her.

'How did you expect me to look? Black and blue? You'd have had to have been here ten years ago to see that'

He feels sick.

'Peyton-'

'Why're you here? What do you want?'

'I wanted to see you-'

'Why now?' She's short and off hand.

'I...I wanted to explain'

'You know when I was younger I never thought anything of it when you left me here by myself and went off on long trips in the middle of the fucking ocean. I just got on with it. I never thought anything of it when you missed my wedding because you were stuck at sea. I never thought anything of it when you rocked up six months after Erin was born. I never thought anything of it because I had Lucas and you still rang, you still constantly checked up on me and even when you missed all those important moments you always appeared eventually. But the one time. The one time I really needed you and you just, you, you vanished'

'Peyton'

'I'd been through hell' Her tears make his own eyes well. 'I'd spent nearly two years thinking I'd never see my family again. I never dreamed that if I did ever escape my own father wouldn't want to see me'

He blinks. 'That's not it. That was never it sweetheart. Of course I wanted to see you'

'Well why didn't you?'

'I...I wasn't well Peyton'

'What?'

'I...When you first disappeared I was in hospital. I, there was nothing I could do, I was bedridden and all I could do was pray you'd be found okay and I didn't want to burden Lucas or any one else with any more drama, I wanted everyone to be focused on you, not my deteriorating health'

She blinks. She doesn't want to be upset by this enlightening revelation. She wants to be angry at him. Anger is far more satisfying.

'And then, well he was in the newspapers and on the tv and I couldn't, I couldn't fathom what everyone was reporting, that he'd killed you, that you were assumed dead'

She wants to sit down. She feels lightheaded but the last thing she wants is to invite him inside.

'I, I stopped receiving treatment, I gave up. I didn't see the point in going on'

She looks at him cautiously, uncertainty and mistrust lacing her green eyes.

'And then they found you. They found you and I had a purpose, a reason to fight'

'You didn't come. You didn't phone. You didn't write. Nothing' She shakes her head. 'Nothing'

'I was very ill. On deaths door, I didn't want to put you through any more hell-'

'No, you're right, knowing you were ill is so much worse than thinking you're own father isn't interested in you or your wellbeing, in his grandchildren' She shakes her head angrily. 'Lucas will be home in a minute. You better go before he gets back because he'll kick off if he sees you'

'Yes well I, Well I deserve hatred from you both, I do.' He exhales. 'It took a lot for me to come here Peyton'

'It did? Oh I'm sorry. Am I being rude?' She spits out. 'It took a lot for me to fucking come back here and pick up where I left off but I'm here'

He closes his eyes because this isn't going at all well. 'I'm staying at the old house. It's a right mess. Dusty as anything but I'm fixing it up. I'll be there if you decide you'd like to see me and talk' He needs to leave. He knows her. Knows she's too angry now to continue talking. 'I really, really hope you do darling' He takes a step forward as though to kiss her cheek but she steps back. He nods his defeat sadly and backs off down the few porch steps.

She watches him leave, hating that every fibre of her being wants her to grab out and hold onto him and when he disappears round the street corner she feels a sinking feeling in the pit of her belly. She feels like she's fifteen again and he's off on another trip out at sea. But this goodbye isn't like those times. It's been so long that she fears he's really gone. That this visit was a bit like a mirage; she's not sure if it was real, she has more reason to believe that it wasn't. Sure it were possible, but with her track record of seeing things she's not so sure. She realises though, that just the mere thought of him being in her childhood home is somewhat settling.

She closes the door and takes in a deep breath.

'Mummy who was that?'

Sawyer's inquisitive voice ciphers through her foggy mind.

She can't answer because all she can think is _it was real_. And she doesn't know if to laugh or cry.

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'Hey jitterbug. You alright?' She stands in the doorway of Sawyer's room and looks at the eleven year old that's sprawled on her front on her bed.

'Mm'

'What're you doing?'

'Looking at pictures' She sighs.

Peyton walks further into the room and sits down on the edge of the bed.

'Yeah? What pictures?'

'When was this?'

Peyton inspects the photo. 'That, that was at Jamie's birthday party I think. Look at you, you mucky pup'

'This is the first picture I can find of all of us together. It's the first picture of me' She looks up at Peyton. 'Mum was I adopted?'

'What?'

'Was I adopted? You can tell me. I'm not a baby I won't freak out. I don't care. You're adopted right? I just, I want to know'

'No honey. You're not adopted' Peyton shakes her head and runs her hand over her daughter's face. 'Darling, I...I know you have questions and I, I'm sorry me and your father haven't been completely honest with you but there are somethings I'd just, I'd rather you didn't know but I, I'm beginning to see that I'm hurting you by not telling you'

Sawyer scrambles to her knees, listening intently.

'There aren't any pictures of you when you were little because when I was pregnant with you I wasn't here with your father'

Her curious face morphs into one of bafflement. 'You were split up?'

'No. Well yes we were split up but not through choice. I wasn't here with your father or your sister'

'I don't understand'

'You see when I was a teenager, a man became somewhat obsessed with me, he claimed he was in love with me. He didn't like it when I didn't reciprocate and then one day, after many years of not even seeing him, he took me'

'Took you?'

'Yes kidnapped'

Sawyer's face is alarmed.

'Don't be scared darling. You're safe' Peyton rubs her little leg reassuringly. 'I had you in my belly and well, I had you whilst he was still holding me captive and that's why there are no photos of you on the wall when you were a baby. I mean... I do have some if you ever want them but darling they're not, not pictures I like to look at because we weren't here, not with your Dad or your sister and they make me sad'

'How...how...Did Daddy find you...us?'

'No, you see your father was sent to prison'

'Prison?' Sawyer exclaims, her eyes bugging out.

'Yes. The police wrongfully thought that he was involved in my disappearance. Your Aunts and Uncle are the ones that found us'

'Oh' She's silent for a long time and Peyton runs her hand soothingly up and down her side. 'So...so Dad didn't see me? Not until I was...?'

'One and a half' Lucas' voice startles them both. He walks further into the bedroom and kneels next to the bed, one hand on Peyton's leg, the other on Sawyer's. 'And it was the best moment of my life along with when your Mother married me and I held Erin for the first time'

She looks confused.

'I don't remember'

'Of course you don't baby. You were so little. And I'm so thankful that you can't remember any of it' Peyton moves behind her and swaddles her in her arms.

'Is there anything else you want to know?' Lucas holds her hand.

She looks up at him and blinks. 'I...I...not right now' She shakes her head but then is looking at Peyton. 'Was that my Grandad today?'

Lucas' stare darts to his wife. 'Larry was here?'

'Yes' She avoids his eyes. 'I love you honey' She kisses Sawyer's forehead before rising to her feet because she can tell Lucas is about to go off on one and she'd rather he not do it infront of the eleven year old. 'It's late, you're tired, why don't you get ready for bed and I'll come in and tuck you in, in a while'

Sawyer nods absently, her stare returning to the pictures scattered over the bed.

Lucas ruffles her hair and then when Peyton makes a beeline for the door he hastily follows, tracing her footsteps.

'Why didn't you call me?' He wastes no time in asking as soon as his daughter's bedroom door clicks shut.

'It was fine' She walks down the hallway and into their shared room.

'It's not fine Peyton. I've been home two hours and you didn't mention-'

She spins around to face him 'I was going to tell you. I would've told you. I just didn't want to talk about this infront of the kids'

'The kids saw him?'

'Yes'

'I don't want him near them' He bawls his hands into fists.

She sinks onto the edge of their bed and then she's crying.

'Oh Peyt' He sits beside her and she all but crawls into his lap, welcoming his cocooning arms and soothing hum in her ear. 'It's alright'

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'Don't look so apprehensive Lucas' Janice tries to calm his nerves. 'I just wanted to talk'

'You've never wanted to talk' He flattens his sweaty palms on his jeans. He doesn't like this room. 'I can remember countless times when I've tried to talk to you'

'No' Janice disagrees. 'There have been countless times when you've come in here trying to get me to relay what Peyton and I have discussed in our sessions. They're private and confidential as you well know'

'I'm her husband' He sighs tiresomely.

'Yes. I'm aware' Janice smiles and he suddenly isn't such a fan of this curly haired brunette with her glasses on the tip of her nose. He suddenly forgets how much he admires her for everything she's done to help his wife. 'And it's up to her if she relays what we discuss to you'

'Well she barely ever does'

'Does that bother you?'

'Yes'

'Why?'

'Because! I'm her husband. I'm meant to know what's going on in her head. I'm meant to be the one to help her'

'Ah' Janice nods in understanding. 'So you feel as though she's rejecting you in favour of speaking to me'

He stands up abruptly. 'No' He scrapes his hand through his hair. 'It was me that wanted her to do this. I'm not a therapist. I'm aware that she needs help, help from someone that isn't me. But it bothers me that I'm so...useless'

'You feel useless?'

He doesn't answer.

'She likens me to him!' He suddenly blurts.

'Likens you to who?'

'Him! That fucking, that...' He curls his fingers into fists. 'Ian Banks'

'What makes you think that?'

'She said so! The other day. She said I smother her, that it's controlling. That it's like him in some way' He relays.

'And that bothers you'

'Of course it fucking bothers me' He exclaims. 'My wife likens me to a man that held her captive. That abused her day in day out for two years. That raped her, beat her, screwed with her mind- likens me to something I'm constantly trying not to be, of course it fucking bothers me'

'Did you tell her?'

'Yes. Of course I told her'

'And what did she say?

'She said she just wants me to treat her as I use to. Before'

'And how do you feel about that?'

'It's easier said than done. I don't see how I can. I mean, I know things are different but they were always going to be. It can't be the same'

'Does that frustrate you?'

'Yes. I feel like we're both constantly stuck in the past, both craving for something we can never get back'

'Things aren't the same'

'No but she so badly wants it to be. I realise that they can't. I don't think she does. She pretends all the time. She pretends to me and the children, to everyone and sometimes she pretends so god damn well that she has me fooled and then something like this happens'

'Something like what?'

'Our daughter gets some freaking newspaper cuttings and she stumbles upon them and has one of these flashback things that sets her off into this dark depression that only drugs seem to snap her out of'

'And you feel as if you've let her down all over again?' She assumes knowingly.

His eyes jerk to her. 'I have let her down. I did and I continue to do so every single day that she feels like she doesn't want to be in this world anymore'

'You think she doesn't want to be here?'

'She doesn't. Sometimes. When she's at her lowest. She has suicidal thoughts. I've heard her tell the doctor'

'And that makes you feel as though you've let her down?'

'Yes' He's on his feet again, the speed of his thoughts preventing him from keeping still. 'It makes me...hate her, hate myself' He pinches the bridge of his nose. 'I hate her for contemplating leaving me. Hate her for considering leaving her children. I find it impossible to understand, not when I love her so god damn much but then I snap out of it. Because I do understand. I understand that she's unwell when she feels those things. And most of all I understand that she only feels those things because of me. Because I let her down. Because I wasn't there to protect her that day'

'Do you also understand that it's an illness?'

'Yes, of course'

'It's okay for you to be angry at her Lucas. Despite knowing she's unwell. It's only natural to be angry and confused. But perhaps to help overcome those feelings you should try and remember that she fights those suicidal thoughts. She's constantly fighting them. By letting you take her to the Doctors, by coming to see me. She's not given up. Not once. That tells you that she wants to be here, not that she just wants to be here but that she wants to be here with you and your children. That she loves you'

He doesn't answer.

'Do you not think that perhaps this situation was completely out of your control? Do you not think that even had you been there you may not have been able to stop them. There were two men. One of you'

'I wasn't there when she needed me' He disputes.

'Yes you were. You never gave up on her. You never faltered. And she knew you wouldn't. That kept her going. You did save her. I think you should give yourself a little more credit.'

He becomes quiet. His eyes squinting in thought.

'Do you understand what I'm saying?'

He looks up at her slowly. 'I see what you mean, yes. But at the same time it just sounds like a load of therapists bullshit that's said just to make me feel better'

Janice laughs. 'Oh Lucas I think you've got what I do here completely wrong. I think if anything I'm brutally honest. You can place the blame on different people for what's happened but the what ifs are pointless. What happened, happened. It's learning to live with those experiences that allows you to move on and acceptance is key. You can punish yourself for the rest of your life but that isn't going to help yourself nor the rest of your family.'

He sighs heavily. 'That's easier said than done'

'I know. But isn't it better to try?...How's your relationship with the rest of your family? Do you see them much?'

He blinks, a little confused by her diversion onto his extended family.

'You have a brother if I remember correctly?'

He tenses.

'You don't get along with your brother?'

'Not as I use to. I mean we still see them plenty. We go through the motions but I guess our relationship is strained. I mean, he let me down, a lot of our family did when I needed them most and I've forgiven, I have but it's hard to completely let go of, you know?' He exhales heavily and sinks back into the sofa. 'I was stuck in prison, I needed them to be looking for her. I needed them to be fighting for her. But they didn't. They did nothing, not until they had proof and that...maybe I find it hard to let go of. Maybe I can't help but think maybe if they'd been looking she could have been saved sooner.'

'Have you ever spoken to them about how you feel?'

'Well...not really I guess. I know they're sorry. I know they'd all do things differently if we could go back. We all would'

'Can you see any positive benefits from Peyton's disappearance?'

He scowls in thought. He's never comprehended a single positive outcome from anything they've been through.

'I guess if I had to say something, I suppose if anything terrible happens within our family ever again, the support wouldn't falter'

'So you're all closer in a way'

'If you look at it that way I guess'

'I'd like to see you again if you want to?' She abruptly announces.

'Erm' He flexes his hands. 'Sure, I guess. Is there something wrong with me?'

Janice smiles. 'Not in the slightest Lucas. I just think it'd be beneficial for you to talk these things through instead of keeping them locked up. Why don't you try and think of more positive aspects and we can talk about it next time'

'O-okay'

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'You came'

'You sound surprised'

'Shouldn't I be? After everything I know I don't deserve to see you'

She shifts her weight with unease and looks past him. 'Are you going to invite me in?'

He moves back, hastily stumbling over his feet as he goes.

'I'm sorry. Of course. Come in. It's a bit of a mess in here but...' He trails off as her eyes move around the space.

She's a little taken aback by how this house doesn't feel like her home. It's like an old friend she once knew, but there was a time when these walls made her feel safe, a time when this building was her home; where she took her first step, spoke her first word.

Her home is with Lucas now though.

'Would you like a drink?'

She's suddenly not quite sure what she's doing here. All she knows is that he's been on her mind since he turned up at her doorstep and she can't ignore his presence in this town.

'No, I can't stay long. I've got to pick Sawyer up from netball practice'

'Netball hey?'

'Yeah' She nods. 'Lucas was horrified, he's constantly trying to persuade her to do basket ball but she throws not dribbles apparently'

He laughs.

And the house may not have elicited the nostalgia she'd anticipated but that sound does.

She looks up to meet his eyes. Sad yet hopeful eyes.

There are lines on his face that weren't there the last time she saw him all those years ago. His hair is greyer. his frame almost frail. He moves stiffly over to the old armchair and lowers himself down into the seat.

She can smell a mixture of dust and polish in the air. He's made a start on trying to clear the place up a bit but there are still dust sheets covering the mantel shelf and her fingers twitch at her sides; a desire to clean up the mess and a need to make sure he's looked after flooding her.

'Sawyer's beautiful'

She nods. 'Thanks. She's all Lucas really'

'She is?'

She looks up at his question, eyes narrowed. She can see the underlying question lingering in his features.

'Yes, she is' She mutters with a stiff upper lip.

'I'm sorry darling I just...'

'No. It's fine. You're not the first to assume that' She scrapes her hand through her hair. Her feet want to carry her safely to the nearest exit all of a sudden because she hates _that _look. Pity and sorrow.

'Erin is all you though' He changes the subject abruptly.

'Mm. She's got a better head on her than I ever did'

'She's got a mouth on her like her mother'

'Was she rude to you?' Peyton grimaces.

'No. Not exactly, she was protective' He smiles fondly. 'I'd like to see them. If you'd let me, if Lucas will let me, if they'll even see me' He looks down at the carpet.

'I can't make any promises'

'I know'

'Erin may need some work...'

He nods and she stares absently at a framed picture that sits on the table beside him. Him. Her and Her Mother.

'Are you okay darling?'

Her gaze drifts back to him.

It's suddenly as though no time has passed at all.

She knows him. He knows her. And she knows that he doesn't mean just now, in this moment. He means is she okay?

'I'm...Some days are hard but yes...Lucas keeps my head above water. I wouldn't be here otherwise' She answers honestly.

'I owe my life to him' Larry declares hoarsely.

She doesn't like the route of this conversation because it leads to things she doesn't want to talk about. Not with him.

She wrings her hands together 'Are...are you still ill?' Maybe it's why she's here. Maybe it's the underlying reason for impromptu visit. Because it's been gnawing away at her. That one little question.

'We don't need to-'

'I deserve to know' She cuts in and her voice is steely and unfaltering.

He sighs. 'I don't want this to be about me Peyton. You're my only concern, I just needed to see you're okay. That you're, you're safe and happy'

'Tell me'

'I...I'm not sure of how much time I have' He tells her defeatedly.

She swallows. She thinks a part of her knew. From the second she saw him stood on her front porch.

'I have to go' She musters, avoiding meeting his stare because suddenly the walls are caving in on her and she needs to get out.

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'So your parents were cool with you coming?'

They're at a house party.

He looks dubiously at her because they keep her under such a tight leash and it irritates him that their relationship is a big secret. They're young, they're having fun and he wants nothing but to just get to know her, to know her completely without all the complications that come with her.

She glances down at her phone.

She told them she was going round a friends house. She'd promised she was being dropped back by nine. It's half past and she's got eleven missed calls and eight texts. They start off enquiring if she's nearly back. Then they demand she answer her phone. Then they're worried because they've contacted Katie Milner's parents and Katie's away with her cousin in New York and they've not seen her. Then they're threatening- she's grounded and if she doesn't ring them back she's not going to be going out for a long time.

She looks up at him. 'They're cool with it'

'You sure?' He's sceptical. He's friends with Jamie. Jamie tells him things that she doesn't. Things that make him understand. Things that make him think she's lying right now.

'Uhuh' She thinks she's meant to be excited. Thrilled to have had the courage to escape her parents strict curfews but she's not. She's not at all. She doesn't like it here. It all seems so pointless. Everyone's talking about meaningless things and smiling and she briefly thinks there's something wrong with her because she'd rather be anywhere but here. 'Are you going to get me a drink?' Maybe that will help. Maybe it will make her snap out of her boring self she thinks.

'You sure?'

'Can you stop asking me if I'm sure?' She snaps. 'I'm treated like a fucking child all the time I don't need you to start'

'Sorry' He mutters. He walks away obediently and comes back with a red paper cup.

She likes the way it burns her throat. Likes the way she quickly feels so free. It wraps her thoughts in cotton wool, muffles the incessant noise that she so longs to escape.

He bumps into some of his friends and smiles and jokes with them and for a moment she happily slouches against the wall and disappears into the background. She watches him. Watches the way he boyishly smacks someone on the back and then he's laughing and nodding and she watches his lips and notes that he's different with these people. She doesn't know if it's the drink in his hand or that they're a group of boys but he's showing off and she's half amused and half concerned because she's not sure she knows this person.

But only a few minutes pass and he's looking over his shoulder for her and then he's in front of her and the person she feels like she's come to know so well is still there.

'You alright?'

'Mhm' She trails her hand over the bottom edging of his t-shirt. 'You can talk to your friends'

'I know'

'I don't want to drag you from them'

'You're not. I'd rather be with you. Do you want to get out of here?' He wants to. He doesn't like being here with her. He feels like he can just be himself with her, not with these people.

'Do I embarrass you?'

'What? No!' He exclaims. 'Erin-'

'I know they all think I'm weird'

He looks over his shoulder and knows his friends, so called friends are indeed talking about them. He knows they don't approve. Don't approve because he's on the basket ball team and is meant to be dating a cheerleader. Not an introverted sixteen year old in the year below.

'Fuck what they think Erin. I don't think that' He rubs his hand up and down her arm before holding her hand. 'Come on let's go'

They walk four blocks in the dark and it's the best part of her night. The alcohol in her system has her feet tripping but he holds her up and she keeps stopping to look up at the sky.

When they finally reach her house they loiter outside and then he walks her up the three steps onto the wooden porch and they exchange murmured words.

'Maybe you should come inside' She's feeling brave and impulsive and she wants to feel. She wants to feel something life altering. Something that will change everything.

He cocks his head to the side.

'Aren't your parents in?' He asks softly.

She bites her lip.

She doesn't want to think about her parents.

She shrugs a shoulder. 'You can keep me quiet'

He smiles in amusement because she doesn't say things like that and she looks cute. 'Now I know you're really wasted'

She smirks. This whole night has been inebriating and she doesn't want it to end. Isn't ready for reality to come crashing down around her. She links her hands round his neck. 'So? Is that a problem?'

'No' He presses his lips to hers and she brazenly reciprocates. The knot of nerves that usually sit low in her stomach when they're kissing are gone. She's forward and urgent and they've never kissed like this before. His hand moves up her side, copping a feel of her rising and falling chest and then it's sneaking beneath her shirt and cupping her silky bra. She murmurs into his mouth.

The headlights that shine onto them coaxes her eyes open and he pulls back, grimacing over his shoulder into the bright lights.

Then it goes dark and they both blink, seeing nothing but white light.

She hears him before she sees him and her heart races wildly.

'Get off of her'

His body heat suddenly leaves her as he's jerked back by the neck of his t-shirt.

Lucas effortlessly spins him around and then his hands are fisted in the the material at his chest and the teenager is forced onto his tip toes as his wide eyes look up into Lucas' fierce face.

'Dad!' Erin screeches. 'Let him go'

'Lucas' The loud commotion has bought Peyton outside. She puts herself between them, ducking under Lucas arm. 'Let him go' He doesn't. 'Look at me' Slowly his narrowed eyes look at her. 'I'm okay' She mutters. 'I'm right here. Erin's alright Luke. They're just kids'

He blinks twice.

He feels like he's crazy, he doesn't know what's crazier, his desire to pummel this poor defenceless kids face or that Peyton knew exactly what was going through his mind. Knew that he'd seen her and Ian. Not his daughter and a young teenage boy.

'You better get out of here before I call the cops' He abruptly sets Jasper free and then he stomps across the porch, hand ensnaring Erin on route and yanking her behind him into the house.

'I'm sorry' Peyton looks at the clearly nerved boy. 'Are you alright?' He swallows and nods.

'I'm sorry Mrs Scott' He's only ever seen her in pictures, still and unmoving. Now she's real before him and he can see exactly who his girlfriend takes after.

'He didn't mean it. He's very protective you see'

'I didn't mean to get Erin in trouble. I swear. We were just at a party. Nothing happened. I thought you knew. I-'

'I know' Peyton intervenes. 'Thank you for getting her home safe...?'

'Jasper'

'Thank you Jasper. You better get going'

'I'm sorry again Mrs Scott'

'No honey, you have nothing to be sorry for. Do you need me to call you a cab?'

'No. I only live on the next road. I'll be fine' He walks backwards down the steps, his eyes inadvertently moving to the house behind them. He can hear her father yelling. Hear Erin yelling right back.

Peyton watches him until he reaches the road before going inside and facing the music.

'Fuck you!' Erin yells.

Peyton cringes as she enters the living room and Lucas' eyes expand.

'Baby, you're way past your curfew' Peyton's voice is worried and frantic and pleading. 'You're dad and I were scared'

'I don't care!'

Peyton's face drops, she's desperate for them to be friends, she fears Erin thinks she's unloved and that is unbearable to her.

Lucas isn't a victim to their daughter's outburst though. He's angry. 'You're grounded' He announces sharply.

'No I'm not-'

'Yes. Yes you are. Upstairs. Now'

'You can't tell me what to do. I'm not a fucking child'

He laughs, unamused. 'Well you're sure acting like one. Room. Now'

She crosses her arms in front of herself.

'Don't make me drag you there Erin'

She blinks and then her scowl falters because she feels sick. 'I think I'm going to...' She doesn't get her last word out because she's throwing up onto the carpet.

Lucas pinches the bridge of his nose in exasperation but Peyton is more sympathetic and moves toward her distanced child to pull her hair away from her face and rub her back.

'I'm sorry...I'll clean it up'

'Yes you-'

Peyton sends him a scathing look. 'No honey, lets get you upstairs and cleaned up' She dismisses.

He doesn't argue. Knows not to when she gives him that look.

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'This has got to stop'

'What?' She's taken aback by her mother's firm tone.

'All of it. You acting out. Me shutting you out' Peyton sits down on the bed and helps her daughter out of her clothes. Seeing her father today has made her determined. Determined to make sure her relationship with her own child doesn't become like there's has. Distanced and Broken. She won't stand for it. 'Erin. Your Dad loves you. You, Sawyer, you're his life'

'No. You're his life. We just get in the way' Is her sulky reply.

'No. We're one. You're ours. Our life. He gets mad whenever he thinks you're in danger. He was yelling at you like that because tonight you made us think that you were in danger, that you could've been hurt. He's been driving around looking for you all night. He'll never be able to accept that he can't always protect you. I know that though. I can't protect you from the world. But I will always be here for you when you're going through tough things. Always. And I can hope and pray that you'll remember everything we've ever taught you and be safe and make wise choices. But somethings are beyond our control. And when those things happen, we have to rely on our family to put us back together.'

'Mum I'm sorry. I just. I wanted to...to be normal and forget for a night...'

'I know sweetheart and I'm so sorry that we've made you feel this way' She watches her teenager's face crumple with confusion and pulls her into a hug.

'You're carrying this burden that isn't yours to carry. Nothing that happened to me was ever your fault and I hate that you feel like I feel more for Sawyer but I understand why you think that way and I'll never be more sorry. I just...I think, I, I missed two years of your life and when I came back I wasn't the same Mummy that you'd known, I couldn't be I...I was broken and I was so, so aware of that, so aware that you'd want someone that wasn't me anymore so I, I guess I unintentionally shut you out at times but god I never meant to. And I know you think if you'd not been around things would have been different, that I would've gotten out of the house that day but he would of taken me which ever way Erin. He would have found a way. I know that. And sure things would've been different had you not been there' Peyton shakes her head. 'I...if I hadn't have had you he, he wouldn't have been able to threaten your life, he wouldn't have been able to blackmail me in that way and I...I would of fort harder, so much harder, I wouldn't have been so submissive'

'Wouldn't of that been a good thing?'

Peyton strokes her hand over Erin's cheek and shakes her head. 'No' She looks at her seriously and gently guides her arms into her pyjama top. 'Sweetheart, he...he would have ran out of patience and he would have killed me...don't you see? You're the one that kept me alive, knowing you needed me. Knowing you were out there- I did what he wanted' Tears race down Erin's face and Peyton wipes them away diligently. 'Darling everything I went through, I...nothing...not a single thing was as awful as being away from you and your father. That was the most painful part and I, I'm so sorry'

Erin sucks in a breath as Peyton diligently fastens the last of the buttons on her pyjama top.

'Will you lay with me?'

Peyton leans back beside her, her arm sliding round her. 'I love you honey'

'I love you too' She relishes in the way her mother's hand runs soothingly over her forehead. She feels like she's four years old again with the chicken pox. She feels safe. Know's everything will be alright even though she feels rotton. 'Mum? Can I ask you something?'

'Anything' Peyton decides.

'Is Dad...is Sawyer...Is Dad really Sawyer's Dad?'

'Yes baby' Peyton looks down at her, eyes unblinking. 'Can't you remember what I gave you to give your Dad on father's day? Can't you remember giving it to him when I wasn't here?'

Erin's eyes squint as she thinks. 'A...a box...'

'Yes and in that box was...'

She'd not known at the time but thinking back she can clearly remember seeing what her father had produced from said box and she's wise enough to know what that stick was now. 'A pregnancy test' She finishes.

'Yes. I was already pregnant' She kisses the top of Erin's head and then settles back against the pillow.

'Mum?'

'Yes?'

'Who was Grace?'

'She' Peyton swallows. 'She was a midwife...she saved mine and your sister's life, she delivered Sawyer'

'He...he killed her'

'Yes' A lump forms in her throat.

'I'm sorry'

Peyton rubs her hand down her daughter's arm in acknowledgement .

'Why...why did he do that?'

'I...I don't know darling. I think, I think he felt like he couldn't let her go without her trying to get help to me...sometimes I think he just did it to teach me a lesson' Her voice catches. 'Because I loved her and I could never love him'

'I'm sorry Mum'

'Me too'

'How...how...the lines on your back...how'd you...how'd...?'

'He beat me with a belt'

Erin rolls over to face her and Peyton diligently wipes away the tears that race down her daughter's cheeks. 'Hey. No more tears'

'I...I'm sorry it just, it makes me...so, so mad'

'I know sweetie but I'm still here, I'm not going anywhere' She swaddles her to her chest and rubs her back and for a long while they just stay like that.

'So Jasper huh?' Peyton breaks the silence when she's sure Erin's quiet sobs have subsided.

'What about it?' Erin sniffles.

'He's a cutie'

'You think?'

'Mhm. Good work kido'

Erin smiles wearily. 'You think Dad's ever going to let me see him again?'

'I think I'll be able to talk him round' Peyton pushes her daughters messy locks back and away from her face. 'Don't worry about that now. Close your eyes and get some sleep'

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'Is she okay?' He sighs.

'She's not thrown up again. We talked'

'Yeah?' He mutters gruffly. She wants to laugh because he's on his hands and knees and he's wearing yellow washing up gloves and scrubbing at the floor. She doesn't laugh because he's not happy.

'Luke she's going through things'

'I don't care she doesn't get to treat us like shit because she's going through some teenage boy drama'

'It's not about boys'

'Really? Did you not see her getting manhandled out there?'

'He's her boyfriend. Just...it's not about that'

'Boyfriend? I don't want her fucking seeing anyone. She's going to wind up pregnant-'

'Give her some credit. Jesus Luke have you forgotten what it's like to be her age? You were all too eager to fool around with me' She points out with a kinked brow.

'I was in love with you from the moment I set eyes on you'

'Maybe she's in love. We can't stop her living her life and if you start telling her who she can and can't see she's just going to rebel' Peyton sighs. 'Look. She. She's like me Luke and I know that's not a good thing-'

'It's the best thing'

Peyton smiles wearily at his interrupting words.

'She's carrying all this stuff around from when she was a kid. She thinks if she'd not been there I'd have gotten away. That I wouldn't of been hurt. She has all this guilt. Guilt for all the hate she felt towards us, towards me. Guilt for things she didn't even understand back then'

He sits back against the sofa and tosses his cloth into the bowl of soapy water.

Peyton smiles softly and crosses the room, side stepping round the wet patch of carpet.

He peels the rubber gloves from his hands and throws them aside to join the submerged cloth.

'Oh, I was just thinking how cute you looked' She pouts as she slides down to straddle his lap.

His body tensing beneath her doesn't go unnoticed but she's good at pretending that she's unaware to his sudden discomfort. 'Sick covered rubber gloves work for you huh?' He kinks his brow and tries to look at ease.

Her nose crinkles. 'Maybe not' She presses her forehead against his. 'You okay baby?'

'Mm'

'Really?'

'Mm' He wants to tell her to get off because he wants to do other things to her when she's this close.

'You'll try won't you, with this kid she's seeing?'

'The boy?' He pulls back a little and his expression is pure outrage. 'Peyton she's not seeing him again-'

'Lucas' She rolls her eyes. 'You can tell her that all you like but I guarantee you she'll do so anyway, only it will continue to be behind our backs, wouldn't you rather be able to keep an eye on them?'

She has a point and his face crumples and he sighs defeatedly, slouching back. She smiles with slight amusement and slips her arms around his neck. His hand automatically moves around her.

'She's going to wind up getting pregnant'

'Luke. She's smart and sensible and they're not having sex'

He looks at her through narrowed eyes. 'And how do you know that?'

She looks down, guilt apparent on her face as she stalls before answering. 'Well. She may have talked to me about him on her prom night. We talked about stuff like that'

'Stuff like sex?' He watches her intensely and then he's shaking his head. 'Hang on a minute, you knew she was seeing some boy and you didn't think to mention it to me?'

'She said she hadn't told us cause she knew we'd have freaked and she's right Lucas! I freaked and I knew you would! I was just, you know, trying to think of a way to break it to you'

'Well I sure as hell would have appreciated finding out any other way than seeing some boy manhandling her in front of our house' He grumbles.

She cups his face. 'She's going to be suffering the consequences of her little night out tomorrow, believe me'

He looks concerned and the strict parent is gone to be replaced with the doting. 'You think we should take her to the doctors just in-'

'She's not paralytic Luke' Peyton snorts. 'She could still string a more than coherent sentence together so I think she's alright'

He huffs. 'When did our little girl become not so little?'

She rests her head on his shoulder with a little sigh. 'She'll always be our little girl Luke. But we have to let her spread her wings'

He strokes his hand over head and lets out a breath. He's at ease with her closeness suddenly; his intuition alerting him that she's not looking for anything more than an embrace. She's looking for security and he'll be damned if he doesn't give her that.

'Luke?'

'Mm'

'I think my Dad's dying' She breathes into his neck.

His arms tighten around her instinctively.

'I...I don't want him to die thinking I hate him' She looks up at him most suddenly and her eyes are glassy and frightened.

He knows what she's asking him. Knows she's silently seeking his permission.

He swallows. 'He...he won't. I can...I can forgive him if it's what you need' His thumb traces over her cheekbone. He knows she's already forgiven. Can see it in her eyes and he gets it. He gets how easy it is for her because there's not a single thing any one of his children could do that he couldn't forgive because the bond is impossibly strong because it's tethered together with love. He doesn't love Larry though. It's harder for him to let this man back into their lives when he sees him as the cause of so much unwarranted pain. But it's simple; it doesn't matter that it's a hardship, he loves Peyton so his answer is a no brainer.

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'I know I'm being the cliched overprotective father but she's my daughter!- How am I meant to react?'

'It's hard to let our children grow up sometimes. Especially when you're parents of children that have perhaps gone through something traumatic as a child'

'It just isn't her. It's not her to sneak around behind my back, to keep things from me! I mean we talk about everything. Well I try to. Peyton hasn't always been so great with Erin but I guess recently that's changed. They seem closer'

'Are you jealous of that relationship?'

'What?! No. God it makes me so happy. I couldn't be happier that they're talking more'

'Good because it's healthy for Erin to want to confide in her mother more at this age. Perhaps she finds it easier talking to her mum about boys'

He grimaces. 'Well that's fine but Peyton isn't much of a confider and I have a right to know what's going on in our daughters life. She should tell me if Erin is seeing boys'

'Maybe so. Perhaps she was scared of how you'd react? Perhaps she's on both your sides and that puts her in a difficult position'

'I get that she's a teenager. I get that this is inevitable but I don't know how to deal with it'

'That's alright' Janice assures. 'It's a learning curve for you all. Have you tried talking to Peyton about your concerns?'

'I don't think she has my concerns'

'So you've spoken to her about it?'

'Well...sort of. She's on Erin's side'

'Have you considered that perhaps she's not on a side. Perhaps she has got her concerns but the thought of loosing Erin will always weigh heavily on her. She lost her once before and that alters her viewpoint'

'I understand that. But that doesn't give us reason to let Erin do as she wants. She's not an adult yet, she's still living under our roof, we can't let her have whatever she wants in fear of her storming out the door and not coming back'

'I agree. But there's compromise Lucas. I'm not telling you to not parent her. Have you talked to Erin about your concerns?'

'She's not talking to me'

'Perhaps you should suggest inviting the boy to dinner so you can meet him properly. Perhaps that will break the ice a bit and allow you to talk to her about your worries. She may not be talking to you Lucas but the fact that she's not stormed off out of the house tells me that she holds a lot of respect for you. I'm sure what you think matters a great deal to her'

'So would it be unreasonable to lock her up in her bedroom until she turns thirty?'

Janice smirks. 'Not at all, by all means go down that route too'

Lucas smiles wearily.

'However I've known Peyton for nearly ten years now and if Erin is anything like her mother I would not want to be on the other end of a screaming match with that one'

'So that's what you have her do in here? Scream obscenities?'

'Sometimes' Janice shrugs, a mysterious glint in her eye that tells him she's not divulging anything of her and Peyton's meetings.

'You're right. Erin is pretty damn good at arguing when she wants to'

'I guess dinner is your safest bet then'

'Right' He mutters.

'It won't be so bad. Try to keep an open mind' Janice encourages.

'That's easier said than done. I seem to loose all rationality when my family is concerned'

'Do you think perhaps your reluctance to give Erin the freedom she craves stems from your separation from her when she was a child'

'I know the reason I'm sat here right now ultimately is because of Ian Banks and what he did to my family but not every fucking insecurity I have is because of him'

'No. I'm not saying that. But every experience conjures a memory, instills a feeling inside of us and it hides away until it's triggered by a new experience, like a catalyst it suddenly causes a chain reaction. Perhaps whilst you were separated from your daughter you experienced guilt and anxiety over her wellbeing. Perhaps letting her go out into the world terrifies you because you can't watch over her in the way you desire, in the way you promised yourself you always would when you got her back. Perhaps subconsciously you feel as though you'd be letting her down all over again. But Lucas you wouldn't be letting her down, you'd be letting her grow up'

He's quiet for a long minute. 'I hate this psychological mumbo jumbo crap' He mutters tiredly.

'Mhm. Peyton reminds me of her dislike for this psychological mumbo jumbo crap as you so nicely put it and yet she keeps coming back so I must be doing something right' She comments with amusement. 'How're things with you and Peyton?'

'Fine' He looks down and she watches him sceptically. '...Not fine'

Janice crosses her legs. 'No?'

'We...She...I don't know what's wrong with me. I just...I have...since before...since she told me that I remind her of Ian...and I know it was in the heat of the moment and I know what she meant but I...I can't get it out of my head. I don't want to touch her...I don't want to hurt her.'

'Do you think she's so submissive that she'd not voice a complaint if you were ever hurting her?'

'I don't know...I don't necessarily mean physically. I feel like anything that comes out of my mouth can potentially be detrimental, can be a possible trigger to something she's been through and not have any idea what I've done nor what it's doing to her' He claws his hands into his knees.

'Has Peyton ever really sat down and told you about her experience while with Ian?'

He swallows thickly. 'Not...not really. I mean the odd snippet. She doesn't want me to know every gory little detail and to be honest I'm not sure I want to'

'It's difficult to hear the awful things a loved one has been through'

'I'm paying you a hundred dollars a session for that enlightening comment?'

Janice smiles. 'You know you and you're wife really are made for each other' She notes. 'As I was saying before I was interrupted- It's difficult but perhaps it's more difficult to avoid, as you've already noted yourself, she doesn't want to hurt you, you don't want to hurt her, but how are you both expected to identify what is hurting one another when you don't confide in each other?'

She rises to her feet. 'Why don't you have a think about that? I'm going to have to cut it there, I've got another appointment' She smiles warmly at him 'I look forward to hearing about what the boyfriend is like next week'

He all but shudders at the b word. 'Why do I feel like I don't have a choice in having him round?'

'Maybe because you're a good father and you know you need to do this' She proposes. 'Go on, get out of here'

He begrudgingly gets up and sends her a little salute on departure.

He's not about to admit it to her face but she really has a way of putting things into perspective.

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She watches from a distance. He's kneeling on the grass and planting some bulbs.

The garden had been her mother's, had been her sanctuary but since her death and his departure it's been left unkept.

Over the recent weeks she's watched him try to rebuild the broken remnants, cut back the overgrown shrubs, cut the wild lawn to unveil the beautiful flowers and plants that her mother had cherished and nurtured once upon a time.

He's rebuilding this garden and in a sense she feels like their relationship is slowly mending.

She finds her feelings on the matter to be erratic. One moment she revels in his return, relishes having the father back that she'd thought she'd lost. Then comes her anger and she wants to run. Wants to build that wall high. And then the guilt and the frustration follow.

Because he doesn't have time. Time isn't on their side.

And then she forgets the anger because there isn't time.

And she doesn't want regrets.

She walks down the two steps. It smells of freshly mown grass and she inhales.

Today is different. She's not alone. Sawyer wanted to come and the eleven year old nervously clasps her hand.

'Dad?' She's only started addressing him by that in the last couple of visits. It didn't go unnoticed in the way his eyes had lit up.

His head immediately twists towards her voice and a bright smile appears.

'Honey' He wipes his dirt covered palms on his trousers and stiffly rises to his feet.

Surprise is evident on his face at his extra guest.

'This must be Sawyer' He smiles.

Peyton moves behind her, hands on her little shoulders.

Sawyer shyly looks up at him through her long lashes.

'She wanted to meet you properly' Peyton enlightens him.

He smiles at that. 'I'm glad you came Sawyer, I've been wanting to meet you properly too'

Sawyer bites her lip but says nothing.

'Do you want to help me? I'm planting some of your grandma's favourites'

Peyton reassuringly squeezes the youngsters' shoulder as she looks up for guidance. 'It's okay baby, go on'

Sawyer crosses the gap to meet him at the flowerbed and hesitantly sinks to the ground as he does.

'Do you like them?' Larry wonders, holding out a pot of forget-me-nots to her.

She smiles nervously as she takes them and gives a quiet murmur of 'They're pretty'

Peyton lingers back, watching them with silent wonder as they interact for the first time. She knows this is a relationship that if had been given a different chance, in a different life, would have blossomed. She sees something in her young daughter's nature that reminds her of her father and knows that they'd have gotten along.

Sawyer's tinkering laughter breaks through her reviere.

Larry's beaming.

And Peyton realises that they may have lost time but she can give him this, she can give him happiness in the time he has left.

'Are you just going to sit there or help?' He teases over his shoulder at her.

'I'm coming, I'm coming'

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'Are you sure this is a good idea?' He shifts his weight as he looks up at the house.

She can tell he's nervous and she doesn't blame him, she's nervous too. 'Erm. No. But we don't really have a choice. Dad said I can't see you again until he's met you properly and he's serious'

'Really? I think our last meeting was enough' Jasper mutters.

'He's not as scary as he seems Jazz. I swear, it's just, he's protective, that's all it is. Give him a chance. For me?'

He sighs. 'God. Why do you have to say shit like that. You know I can't refuse'

She smiles, albeit it's small.

'Fine. Come on, before I bottle it' He holds his hand out and she slips her fingers with his and they walk up the path together.

'Before we go in there's a few things you shouldn't do-'

Before she finishes the door springs open and Peyton's smiling face greets them. 'There you are'

Startled, Jasper's eyes dart from his girlfriend's mother and then back to Erin. He so badly wants her to finish her sentence, he wants to know what he shouldn't do but he knows he'll never know because Peyton is ushering them inside and telling him it's nice to see him again and asking if she can take his jacket.

He likes her.

Her little sister and her Dad are already sat at the table. He thinks her kid sister is a cutie and it's clear that she's going to grow into a beauty like her sister and Mother.

Lucas stands. 'Jasper isn't it?' He asks stiffly.

'Yes sir' Jasper's mouth is suddenly dry.

Erin bites her lip and stops herself from laughing at his formal confirmation. Sawyer doesn't hide her amusement.

'You don't need to call me Sir Jasper' Lucas shakes his head and looks at the boy through narrowed eyes. 'I'm sorry that we got off on the wrong foot the other night, I...I was worried about Erin and jumped to conclusions. You understand?' He stiffly mutters.

'Yes Sir- I mean yes' Jasper amends. 'It's fine'

'It wasn't fine' Lucas disagrees because he knows his behaviour wasn't acceptable. 'Still, I hope you'll forgive me'

'Of course' Jasper nods. 'I get it. It's cool'

Peyton panders over them all, dishing up their dinner. Lucas tries to assist but she swats his hand away and her look says _talk to him. Try._

He opens and closes his mouth but words don't come out. Instead he quietly watches the anxious boy to his left.

Jasper's eyes are looking anywhere but in his direction.

Both Lucas and the young boy tense as Erin's hand reaches out and settles on his leg. It's meant to soothe him because she can see him stressing but it doesn't help in the least.

He tries to ignore it's presence just as he's trying to ignore her father's narrowed eyes boring into him. Instead he focuses on the smiling woman that's serving them.

Peyton's the one to help dispel some of the awkwardness. She tells him that Erin's told them he's into basket ball. He nods and smiles. He says he broke his arm six months ago playing so he's been taking it easy, but that's good because it means he's spent more time with Erin.

Peyton smiles at that. Lucas doesn't.

At some point during their meal, half way through Jasper relaying to the inquisitive parents that it's just him and his Mum, that his Dad left before he was born, the nerves become too much and his jitteriness and sweaty palms have him knocking his glass of water into his lap.

Sawyer giggles. Erin sends her a furious look that says _shut it_. Jasper apologises profusely, concerned that he may have also gotten Lucas wet. Peyton is on her feet and then she's beside him with a dish towel.

'Mum!' Erin groans when her mother dabs said dish towel at Jasper's front. 'He's quite capable' She snatches the towel and thrusts it into Jaspers unprepared hands. 'Of doing that himself'

'Sorry' Peyton bites her lip and tries to not laugh at her daughters red cheeks.

'No. Thank you Mrs Sawyer'

'Peyton' Peyton corrects.

'Peyton' Jasper repeats. He watches her return to her seat and his eyes linger on her back or more precisely, the lines criss crossing her pale skin and peeking out the top of her strap top. Erin follows his intense stare and her foot shoots out reflexively and jabs him under the table because she knows if her father sees him staring he'll become irritated. It happens frequently, on days like today when it's hot and she can't bear to cover up, days at the beach when she's clad in just a swimsuit. Peoples eyes linger, look at her curiously, judging and Lucas instantly becomes enraged and short tempered and has even been known to confront certain bystanders and ask them what it is they're staring at.

Peyton doesn't mind. She was self conscious for a while but it's something she's come to terms with.

Jasper's stare darts back to his plate, getting the message loud and clear from Erin. And that's where his stare stays for the remainder of the meal, fearing that if he opens his mouth one more time this whole situation could go from bad to worse.

Erin jumps up as soon as they're finished.

'Thanks. We're going to er, sit outside for a bit, is that okay?'

'Course honey' Peyton smiles.

'I can help clear-'

'No, no Jasper. You two go on out and I'll bring you some milkshakes in a bit'

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'Well that...wasn't too awful right?' He hopes.

'Well...no' Erin sits on the swinging seat. 'Sit with me?'

He obligingly joins her. His hand hesitantly finding hers.

'What...what did that...to your Mum's back?'

'She was beaten. With a belt. Badly'

His mouth gapes and she looks up at his shaking head, her heart feeling warm as she takes in his emotional expression. 'God Erin. That, that's awful'

'It wasn't my Dad' She quickly tells him.

'I know. God I know that. He's not that bad'

Erin smiles. 'No he's not. It's why he's the way he is. One of the reasons anyway. With you...with anyone that he didn't know before actually...since she was hurt...he, he's so protective of all of us and it does my head in but I get it, I understand a bit more every single day'

'I'd be just the same'

'This is a big deal for him, letting you come here and his approval means everything to me Jazz.'

'Of course it does, he's your Dad' He rubs her hand.

'I want him to like you and I know he will but you have to give him time to figure out you're not a psychopath'

He nods.

'As long as you know I'm not a psychopath'

She laughs. She knows.

'I love you Erin'

She likes hearing that. 'Even after meeting my dysfunctional family?'

'They're not so dysfunctional' He strokes her hair behind her ear. 'Your sister is cute'

'Yeah. Sawyer's the only normal one'

He shakes his head and rolls his eyes 'You're normal. So...how long do you reckon it'll take before your dad lets me take you out?'

She drops her head onto his shoulder. 'Hm. I dunno, maybe a year, if you're lucky'

His eyes bug out and she giggles as she looks up at him.

'I don't know' she softly admits. 'I...I think he was warming to you...maybe'

'And you came to that conclusion how? He didn't say a single word after the first five minutes'

'His eyes softened when you told him your dad left before you were born. His Dad left too. You can bond over your daddy complexes' She grins and he pinches her sides.

'Funny'

'Ahm' Lucas clearing his throat startles them and Jasper's hand springs back to his lap. 'I bring milkshakes'

'Thanks Dad'

'Thank you' Jasper echos.

'Your welcome' He leans against the porch railing. 'This Friday'

'This Friday what?' Erin's brow furrows.

Lucas' stare is on Jasper though. 'You can take her out on Friday. She's back by ten. No alcohol. No drugs. No parties. Just dinner. Understand?'

Erin can't contain her grin.

Jasper nods wordlessly.

'And if she gets hurt-' Lucas shakes his head.

'I'll keep her safe. I swear. You have my word'

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'Can I come in?'

'Yeah' Erin sits up on her bed, dog earring the page of her book before closing it and putting it to one side.

'It's late'

'I know. I'm going to go to sleep in a minute'

Lucas nods and sits down on the edge of the bed.

'Is Mum okay?' She wonders suddenly.

Lucas' stare snaps up to her anxious face. 'Yes. She's fine'

'Sorry I just...'

He shakes his head. It's no wonder that her first assumption is that, especially as he knows he's not exactly giving her great confidence to believe everything is okay, not with the way he's avoided looking at her. 'I'm sorry sweetheart, I didn't mean to scare you. Your Mum's fine'

Erin nods. 'What...what did you want then?'

'I just' He licks his lips. 'I wanted to talk to you about Jasper'

It's her natural instinct to run for the hills and get as far away from this conversation but she stays put because she's not naive. She knows her father needs this.

'Okay...Dad I...it means a lot to me, that you said I can go out Friday night, you've not, you've not changed your mind-'

'No, no' He's quick to assure. 'I just, I don't want you to hide this from me, or your Mum. I know you had every reason to want to keep him from us and I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't speak to us but Erin I, I need you to try and be open with us and I promise I'll try and not overreact and I'm going to try and give you more freedom, really I am'

'I don't have to be home by 5 anymore?' She's quick to blurt.

He can see the excitement dancing in her eyes and smiles sadly. 'No. No more being home by five' He can feel panic flaring in the pit of his stomach but he knows this is right.

She tries to not grin.

'You can smile' He lets out a weary chuckle. 'Do you know how difficult this is for me? Letting you go'

'I know Dad and I swear' She shakes her head. 'I'll have my phone on me all the time. I'll always answer. I will-'

'Alright' He cuts her off. 'I'm sorry that everything's been so hard on you'

Her smile wanes. 'Dad you don't need to be sorry. I know why...I understand why'

'I know you do but it's not an excuse' He strokes his hand over his cheek. 'Things are going to get better from now on okay?'

She nods.

'And I want you to promise me, I know you think you know this boy but...just be, be careful okay? Just, be wary and-'

'Dad I know. You don't have to worry about Jasper. You're going to love him I know it'

He's pretty sure that's never going to happen and makes a non-committal little mumble.

'He loves me. He'd never hurt me'

'Okay' He's done with the Jasper conversation as soon as she's said the big 'L' word because he doesn't want to get into a discussion about that nor does he want to patronise her by telling her whatever hormonal teenage feelings she has for this boy aren't real because that would be hypocritical. Because he had been in love at her age. 'But if he ever hurt-'

'If he ever did I'd come to you' She scrambles onto her knees and throws her pyjama clad arms around his neck.

He's a little startled by her tight hold.

'I love you Daddy'

He hugs her back. 'I love you too'

'Thank you' She kisses his cheek and then is falling back onto her duvet and giggling.

He shakes his head with an amused smile because he's not heard that tinkering sound in a while. 'You should get some sleep missy' He gets to his feet.

She nods.

'Uhuh. I'm just going to call Jamie quick and tell him he can book up for us to go sky diving next week'

She laughs hard when he freezes in the doorway, his head jerking to look at her.

'Joking'

'Funny.'

'I thought so.'

'No recreational activities where your precious limbs can get hurt please. Unless you want me to have a heart attack'

She shakes her head. 'I was joking. I'm just going to tell him we can go see that movie he's been ranting about tomorrow night'

'Mm' He smiles. 'Good night'

'Night'

His smile doesn't fade as he walks down the hallway and hears her voice excitedly chattering on the phone because for once he feels like he just made his daughter the happiest girl in the world which seems to make a big change and he's certain he's going to be going out of his way to keep her that happy.

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There's a flickering light coming from their room and his heart sinks.

This is her attempt at seducing him.

And it puts him on edge.

Because she use to do it so effortlessly. Naturally; a flirtatious comment, an inappropriate touch, a racy undergarment.

There's nothing natural about this behaviour. It makes him feel sick.

He loosens his tie with a sigh. 'What're you doing?'

She tucks her hair behind her ear and looks at him with puzzlement because she thinks it's pretty damn obvious what she's doing.

'You sounded down on the phone earlier- I thought I'd cheer you up'

'I had a bad day' He admits.

She wishes he'd stop writing for the local newspaper. It's not what he's meant to be doing. He's an author and she wishes she could free him from the hindering restraints of writers block that so cruelly keep him from spilling his beautiful words onto paper, has done for the last ten years.

'You want to talk about it?'

He shakes his head.

He'd got into several rows with the editor over the accuracy of stories being published and to top things off, he'd had yet another awfully polite rejection letter to a rough copy of something he'd secretly had in the works for a while now. Something he wasn't ready to show her. Something that was unfinished. Something he held close to his heart. It had started off as therapeutic in a way and then it had just grown.

She scrambles onto her knees. She's wearing what she would be any other night; His t-shirt and check pyjama bottoms, but the candles on the bedside table indicate her agenda. Her hand reaches for him.

'Let me take care of yo-'

'Peyton I'm really tired' He cuts her off. He doesn't want to hurt her feelings. He knows that's inevitible though. And it makes him ache but he'd rather hurt her this way than allow her to continue with this performance. Because that's all it is, he's certain of it; an act. For him. She's trying to please him and he doesn't want to use her in that way. Doesn't want to make her uncomfortable.

'Luke' She whines. 'You've not touched me since...at the studio' She avoids his eyes.

He furrows his brow and outstretches his hand, thumb stroking over her cheek. 'I touch you everyday'

'That's not...you know exactly what I'm talking about' She's frowning now. He's silent. 'You didn't hurt me' She exclaims suddenly. 'Physically, emotionally, mentally!- All I felt was, was love. Was you. I thought you understood. I thought you got it. But now, now you're treating me with even more apprehension than ever'

'Baby I'm not. I just, it's been a long few weeks, what with your dad and Erin and...'

'Jasper' Peyton finishes. 'Yes but you're dealing with it better than ever Luke. Don't change the subject. Don't try and distract me'

'I'm not. Jesus. I'm just fucking tired Peyton. That's all. Okay? I don't have any ulterior motives. I'm just fucking tired'

She shakes her head and suddenly is on her feet. 'Yeah. Tired of me' She mumbles.

He cringes. Because that's not what he meant at all.

'Peyton come on, wait-'

The ensuite bathroom door slams and he exhales heavily, silently noting how this day has gone from bad to worse to just plain awful.

He kicks the chest of draws and then curses loudly.

He wants to scream. He wants to scream at her. Because that's not it at all. How could he ever be tired of her?

He's tired. He's tired of feeling so useless. Tired of trying to be the best person he can for her. He's tired because he's suddenly critically aware of every word and action he makes within her presence, more so than ever before because she compared him to _him_. And it makes him sick and furious and he just wants to hold her at arms length if that's what she sees. Because he can't bear it. Cannot bear his name being put in the same sentence as that, that monster.

He knows what she wants. But it's not easy, what she's asking for. Just as it's not easy for her. Not easy for her to do this stuff anymore.

He wearily approaches the bed and blows out the flickering flames.

He thinks perhaps she's delusional if she thinks a bit of candle light can fix this because the light was extinguished long ago and now they're just surrounded by darkness.

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'What do you think of this one?'

Peyton shifts uncomfortably.

It's times like this that the changes in her friend are most prominent to Brooke. She can almost see the alarm bells going off behind her green irises but she doesn't comment on her uneasy stance, nor the way her stare keeps darting toward the exit.

'Er' Peyton looks down at the sleeping baby in his pram. She wishes he'd wake up so she could fend over him.

'Red is more me right? But what do you think Julian will like best?'

Peyton swallows and sceptically inspects the two lingerie sets being held up to her.

'I don't know' She looks back to the ground.

'P?' Brooke abandons the task at hand. Ignoring her friend's anxiety is clearly not working in this situation.

Peyton jumps when the brunette touches her arm.

'It's just me' Brooke smiles softly. 'What's up honey?'

'Nothing'

'When're you going to learn that your best friend knows when you're lying?'

Peyton sighs. 'I just...I...I don't do this'

'Don't do what?' Brooke tilts her head trying to gain the blonde's eye contact but Peyton keeps her head resolutely ducked.

'I don't dress up...for him...I don't try'

Brooke's not judgemental. Not when it comes to _this._ And despite that she always puts extra effort into making her voice sound completely nonplussed by the conversation at hand. Because it's not like it use to be. Because _this_ can't be teased about.

'Well there's nothing wrong with-'

'Do you think that's why?' Peyton's stare darts up suddenly, uninterested with whatever Brooke's diplomatic response was.

'Why what?'

'Why he, why he doesn't...why it's...why we don't-'

'Hey' Brooke reaches out and gently grips both her hands. 'It's me Peyton. Just me'

'I know'

'Well you can speak to me. I'm not going to think you're strange or judge you. You're my best friend'

Peyton nods and is silent for a moment and then the words come in a flurry.

'Sometimes I feel like he, he doesn't want me that way. That we just, we do it because we're meant to and when we do he's so...so gentle...so...he treats me like I'm going to break' She exhales in one breath. 'And I told him'

Brooke struggles to keep up with her friends sudden rambling.

'The other week I told him. I told him and he got mad, cause I, I accused him of being like _him_, Told him that the having to follow my every move, the constant checking up on me, it's possessive. He was so upset but I didn't care. I didn't care because for a moment he just, he shouted at me like he would've before. You know? And then it's like it unleashed something. Because he did let go. We had sex. At the studio. And I know it's insane. I know it's ridiculous but for the first time in ten years it was like it was just us. There was no apology after. No are you okays. No fucking predetermined touches. Just us. But now he...it's as though it didn't even happen. He's the same again. And it..it's driving me mad because now I've had a taste for it. Now I...'

Brooke squeezes her fingers gently in understanding.

'But what do I expect? I don't try? I don't wear stuff like this?' She prods the hanging bras beside her. 'I don't dress up for him'

'Honey I'm not doing this just for Julian. I mean Jake's nine months old and I'm a little insecure about my body still, I guess it makes me feel sexy more than anything' Brooke confides.

'You have absolutely nothing to be insecure about'

'And that's why I love you P Sawyer' Brooke smiles almost bashfully, busying herself with looking at the two lingerie sets she'd picked out but Peyton's hand is suddenly snatching the crimson one from her vision.

'Not that one'

Brooke kinks her brow.

'I...he use to...red was his favourite' She mutters.

Brooke's heart races because she knows who _he _is.

It doesn't happen often. These snippets of honesty. Of confiding. So much so that it always takes her off guard. A lump forms in the back of her throat and she wants to kill. Wants to kill that son of a bitch so badly.

'...I think that's why this makes me feel so...why I can't because it doesn't...doesn't make me feel sexy it just, it makes me feel dirty...'

The noise around them is drowned out. Brooke's no longer aware that they're in a clothes store. It's just them.

'Peyton believe me, please. Lucas doesn't give a shit about what underwear you've got on. You could be dressed in a bin bag and he'd still only have eyes for you'

She puts her hands over her eyes suddenly and inhales sharply; she's in the middle of a department store, she doesn't want to cry. Doesn't want to draw attention to them any more than she probably already has.

Brooke's arms move around her and swaddle her in a tight hug.

'I'm sorry' She croaks into the brunettes shoulder. 'I don't mean to make everything always about me'

'You don't' Brooke dismisses firmly in her ear.

'This was meant to be about making you feel good about yourself and I'm...'

'Honey. It's fine' Brooke pulls back a fraction, her hands finding the flustered blonde's cheeks. 'You don't make things about you. In fact if anything you always try and steer the conversation away from you' Brooke softly declares. 'You can talk to me about all of this'

'I know I can. I just...it's not...'

'Easy, I know'

'I do talk to you Brooke'

'I know, I just mean...only when you hit an emotional breaking point does it spurt out. You let things eat away, you deal with things by yourself. You don't have to' She doesn't want to upset her best friend any more than necessary but she wants to help her. Peyton always appreciates her honesty. Appreciates the way that Brooke is one of few that doesn't treat her differently.

'I...I know. I just...it's been a long time. I should be over-'

'We've been through that-'

'Okay- but you must get sick of it. Of me being depressing. I don't want to bring you down. Especially not now you've got Jake. You don't need to spend any of your time worrying about me'

'I'm your best friend Peyton. I'd be more upset if you didn't come to me. I get upset knowing your burying things. I get upset when I think perhaps you don't think I can handle it. Because I can. I can handle anything. I'll be your rock and I won't crumble just as you are when I need you'

Peyton snorts. 'You don't need me'

'No? P, I need you all the time. Believe it or not. You were there everyday when I was pregnant. You got me through it and this whole mother thing is new to me and it can be hard but I know I can do it when I see you and you tell me how wonderful I am. And I don't worry as much when I know you're only a phone call away if I ever I need you. I do need you'

Peyton's lips curl ever so slightly. 'And I definitely need you'

'I'm glad we've cleared that up' Brooke's tone is all jest.

'Me too' Peyton shifts her weight. She's quiet for a moment. 'Maybe I'll, maybe I'll try some on too' Her stare has averted back to the lingerie section.

'Yeah? You don't have to-'

'I know I don't. I want to'

'Okay' Brooke smiles. 'Here' She wastes no time in thrusting a bra into the blonde's hands. 'It'll be fun. I promise!'

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'Aunt Brooke?' It's 7pm on a Wednesday night and this is the last thing Erin foresaw herself doing when she got out of bed this morning.

'Erin. Hey honey... Is everything okay?' Brooke's voice sounds down the phone line.

'Can you come over?' She anxiously asks.

'Um well, I was just going to try and get Jacob down-'

'I'm sorry. But it's an emergency'

'What? What's happened? Erin?' Brooke's voice becomes panicked.

'Well I guess it's not a major emergency but I think Mum is high and Dad had a meeting in New York yesterday and isn't flying back in till later'

Brooke is silent. She's not quite sure if she's heard right. Jake gurgles up at his mother, his chubby little hand clawing at her shirt. She shifts her weight and hoists him up on her hip.

'Are you still there Aunt Brooke?'

She adjusts the phone at her ear. 'Yes. Yes sorry. Did you just say your Mum is high?'

'Uhuh. You see my friends gave me and Jasper pot brownies and I felt stupid saying no and so I just bought them back here and I was going to throw them away cause I really didn't want them, especially after how mad mum and dad were a few weeks ago when I got drunk but well me and Jasper got distracted and I just left them on the side and well I guess Mum came back and I think she had a crappy day at work and she kind of ate like nearly all of them and she's acting weird as and I didn't know-'

'Erin slow down. I'll be there soon okay?'

Erin takes a breath, she's certain she can hear a smile in her aunt's voice but this isn't funny. 'You will?'

'I'll be there in ten minutes. She'll be fine honey'

'You've not seen her. That person is not my freaking mother'

Brooke snorts. 'Just go sit down sweetie. I'll be there in a few.'

As promised she arrives at the Scott residence ten minutes later.

'Aw! My best friend in the whole wide world! What brings you here?' Peyton all but skips over to Brooke. 'Hi Jakey baby' She plants a kiss on the baby's cheek.

'Erin seems to think my expertise is required'

'She keeps trying to get me to go to bed. I'm the parent! Isn't she meant to be fooling around with her boyfriend or something?'

Jasper chuckles at that but his snorting soon stops when Erin elbows him in the stomach.

'God Erin' He groans but doesn't get any sympathy from his girlfriend.

'Mum' Erin blushes.

'It's hot in here? Right? I'm hot are you hot?' Peyton pulls her shirt up and tugs it over her head in one swift movement.

'Mum!' Erin shrieks. 'Put that back on. Right now'

Brooke bites her lip, Erin's outraged exclaim together with the way the teenage boy's eyes have bugged out of his head making it hard for her to contain her laughter.

'Is that the new underwear?' Brooke kinks her eyebrow as she looks back at Peyton in her silky blue bra.

Peyton looks down at herself. 'Oh yeah. You think he'll like it?'

'Hell yes. It's hot P Sawyer'

'Oh my god. Kill me now. Seriously! We're still here'

'Why's she so mad?' Peyton whispers to Brooke not so subtly.

'Brooke' Erin whines. 'Fix her. Before Dad gets home! Please! He's so going to ground me for life'

'Chill Erin. She's fine.'

'I'm totally fine' Peyton nods. 'I think I"m high though. I feel really high. I don't understand though, I swear I haven't had anything' She's still whispering not so quietly at Brooke with her hand raised to hide her words despite their loud delivery.

Brooke averts her stare back to a concerned Erin 'Are you sure you want me to fix her kid? I like high Peyton!'

'Aunt Brooke!'

'Okay, okay. Here you take Jake. He's tired why don't you go sit with him in the lounge, I'm sure he'll drop off' She passes her sleepy infant over.

'You don't need me to-'

'Stop worrying. I've got this covered' Erin eyes her with uncertainty before giving her mother one last glance and slowly backing out of the room, Jasper trailing behind.

Brooke waits until she's certain they're out of earshot before she addresses the blonde once more. 'So where are these pot cookies hiding?'

'Pot cookies?' Peyton's mouth opens wide. 'What are you...there aren't any...Oh my god, those cookies I had earlier? Pot cookies?! I ate loads'

Brooke nods with a wide grin.

'That explains everything!'

'Uhuh. Seems your darling daughter was given them by her friends'

'Oh god'

'So are there any left?'

'Brooke Davis you're so bad!'

'Uhuh. You can't be high by yourself'

'This is so not okay. I'm awful'

'You're high by accident. It's allowed. So are you going to hand over the goods or what?'

'There isn't any!'

'You ate the whole lot? Greedy bitch' Brooke smirks.

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'What on earth is going on in here?' Lucas surveys the obstacle course that has become the kitchen. His eyes slowly coming to focus on his wife and friend sitting on the floor, behind a side on kitchen table, bowls of cookie mixture in tow.

His eyes bug out slightly at his wife's attire, or lack there of.

Brooke splutters at his expression.

'We're making cookies' Peyton chirps.

His brow kinks.

'Well we didn't get that far P. Sawyer, you decided to have a cookie dough fight'

'Mmm' She swirls her finger into the remaining mixture and then sticks said finger into her mouth. 'No-goo-a-ou-figh'

Brooke laughs at her. 'What was that?'

Peyton swallows, removing her finger from her mouth before speaking again. 'It wasn't quite as good as our fight' She comments, looking up at Lucas.

He flushes.

'I hope your mixture has improved because otherwise I'm going to have to take you to A&E for salt poisoning'

'Don't worry Luke. I over saw everything that went into the mixing bowl'

'Yeah? So you wanna tell me what you spiked her with?' His voice, although accusing is also playful.

Brooke clambers to her feet, pulling herself upright with the aid of a table leg. She brushes her hands over the tops of her jeans, trying to wipe the floury patches away. 'Peyton might have accidentally got high' She avoids his eyes and holds her hand out to Peyton.

'What?' He'd been joking when he'd said spiked. He'd thought perhaps they'd decided to have a couple of cocktails and it had gone to his wife's head.

'But she's totally cool aren't you P?' Brooke hauls her up to standing and hesitantly lets go of the blonde as she slouches onto the sideboard.

'Brooke!' Lucas exclaims.

'Not my fault. It was an innocent mistake. Anyway I'm sure you can handle this. I better get going, Julian will worry' She kisses Peyton's cheek and pats Lucas' arm as she passes.

'Brooke' He has questions. The main being how?

'And Jake needs his crib'

'Brooke'

'Erin and Jasper are in the living room. Don't be mad at her'

Erin. Of course this was Erin's doing. That kid was on a roll. 'Brooke'

'Bye'

'Brooke!'

'Stop yelling Luc-as' Peyton whines.

His eyes are immediately back on her and he hastily walks over to her, a tentative arm going round her.

'Come on you' He sighs. 'Lets get you upstairs'

'Hi' She tilts her face to look at him and he can't help but smile.

'Hi' He answers.

'I missed you'

'Yeah? I missed you too blondie'

'I love you Luke. So much' She emphatically declares.

'Uhuh. Come on my little stoner' He guides her around a couple of stray wooden spoons and a few dollops of cookie mixture before safely entering the much cleaner hallway.

'Are you mad? It was an accident'

His eyes keep averting to her chest. Not that she's noticed.

'Luke?' He blinks and shakes his head.

'Of course I'm not mad baby' He strokes her haphazard hair behind her ear. 'What happened?'

'I- Erin's friends gave her pot cookies or something and I didn't know and I was miserable and thought saint Haley probably dropped them by and ate like the whole lot and-'

'Woah, slow down' He smiles and strokes her chin. 'And then you got high' He smirks.

'Uhuh' She nods.

The living room door opens a crack.

'Hello Erin' Lucas calls.

She opens the door a little further and reluctantly peers out.

'Hi Dad' She sheepishly greets.

'Hi' He wants to laugh but he keeps a straight face.

'How was your, your trip?'

'Oooo yeah how was your trip?' Peyton echos.

Lucas' hand tightens around her.

'Fine. Thank you' He answers. 'Jasper in there?'

'Y-yes'

'It's late-'

'I know, I'm sorry he-'

'He should stay, he sleeps down here though and I want you to go on up to bed now, it's a school night'

'Okay' Erin nods obediently. 'Thanks Dad'

'We'll talk about this tomorrow' His finger indicates to Peyton and Erin bites her bottom lip.

'Okay'

'Luke' Peyton hits him pathetically with a slap that's more like a tap. 'Don't be grumpy with her. It was an accident. I was the greedy bitch that ate them all'

Both Lucas' and Erin's eyes widen at Peyton's explanation.

Jasper has appeared in the doorway behind Erin to get a glimpse of the entertainment.

'Okay Peyton Scott I think it's time for us to go upstairs' Realising he isn't getting far with his mission to get her up the staircase he seizes her easily, lifting her in a fireman's lift over his shoulder.

'I'm not a child Lucas!' She shrieks.

'I'm aware'

'Why do you have to sound so scary' Peyton's voice drones, her words muffled into the back of his shirt. She cranes her neck up, confused to see no one but the stairs from her position. 'Don't worry he's a big softy really aren't you Luke?' She's addressing the sheepish pair that are biting their lips to stifle unavoidable giggles of amusement.

'Okay, enough from you' Lucas turns for the stairs and she grins as the two teenagers come into view.

'There you are!'

'Goodnight Mum'

'Goodnight Mrs Scott'

Peyton waves at them before letting her head drop back down.

'Is Sawyer in bed?' Lucas asks.

'At Haley's. Sleepover'

'On a weeknight?'

'They bribed us with their cuteness'

Lucas chuckles at that. 'Peyton Scott what're you doing?'

Her hand is in his back pocket.

'Just looking'

'For what exactly?'

'Did you bring me a present?'

They're in their room now and he drops her back to her feet in front of the bed.

She blinks a few times as the blood rushes from her head.

'A little presumptuous don't you think?' He sits her down on the edge of the bed.

'You always do on the rare occasion that you're ever away from me for more than like a day'

'Mm' His hand disappears into the inside pocket of his suit. 'Am I so predictable?'

'I just know you is all' She falls back on her elbows and bites her lip. 'What is it?'

He holds out a little wrapped present.

'Why don't you open it and find out?'

She grabs for the small parcel and he laughs as she retrieves it and falls to lay fully on her back this time.

He undoes her jeans as her fingers free the paper from the bow that's tied around it.

'Lift up'

She lifts her hips a little and he easily tugs the denim down her legs. He swallows because since he walked into the kitchen he's been wondering whether she's wearing matching undergarments.

'Oh Luke'

He looks up at her suddenly. Her hair is splayed around her and she's fingering the little diamond pendant. 'You like?'

'Uhuh. So beautiful'

'Not as beautiful as you' He tosses her jeans behind him.

She giggles because he use to say things like that and she use to tell him he was cheesy but now those words bring butterflies to her stomach.

'Here' He takes the chain from her grasp and urges her to sit up. He skilfully brushes her hair out of the way and slides the pendant around her neck, fastening it at the back. 'There'

'I love it' She looks down at the glistening diamond.

'Good' He kisses her shoulder and lets out a little groan. 'God, what're you wearing Peyton Scott?'

Green eyes look down at herself. 'Oh yeah' She nervously looks back up at him. 'I er...bought it the other day'

'Yeah?'

'Mm. Do you er...do you...'

'Don't ask me if I like it. Like it doesn't even begin to cover it'

Her smile makes him melt because it's not just overjoyed it's excitement and he can see by the way she seductively bites down on her bottom lip that she believes him, that she thinks she looks good, and that's sexier than what she's wearing and he's certain it's the added drug in her system that's made his words so convincing because usually it's a rarity for her to accept any complements that arise from his mouth.

She's laid back again and he forces himself to stand in order to shrug his suit jacket off.

She watches as he loosens his tie.

'Was it okay? You're meeting?'

'Yes' He begins to unbutton his shirt. 'Better than okay'

Her brow kinks and he knows she's waiting for him to elaborate.

'They're going to publish it'

She's confused. 'Publish what?'

He sits back on the bed sans shirt and unties his shoes. 'Something I've been writing'

She's more than interested now and is suddenly on her knees beside him. 'What? I thought you had a meeting with an editor about an article they wanted you to write'

He kicks off his shoes and rids his feet of socks before looking into her face. 'I didn't exactly tell you the whole truth'

'You totally lied!' She exclaims and her bugged out eyes together with her loud exclaim have him laughing. 'It's not funny!' She hits his bare shoulder.

'I'm sorry. No, it's not but you are right now'

His thumb runs over her cheek and he places a chaste kiss on her forehead before standing again.

'What have you been writing?' She's risen up on her knees and he watches her fondly as he unbuckles his trousers.

'Something'

'Something?! Lucas Eugene Scott. That's all you're giving me, something? Since when have you been writing something?'

'For a while now' he steps out of his trousers and discards them in the wash basket before returning to where she's impatiently awaiting. 'At first it was kind of therapeutic I guess, a way for me to deal with things surrounding us, the kids. And then it, it became something else entirely' He holds her hands.

'It's about us'

'Some parts, you're definitely in there. But it's fiction too'

'Can I read it'

'Yes' He strokes his thumb over her bottom lip and smiles. He loves how excited she is. 'But not right now'

'Why?' She pouts.

'Because you're high'

'Barely. I'm totally fine now'

'Uhuh. Cause Peyton Scott always says totally' He teases, gently pushing her back.

She tumbles backward against the crinkled duvet and gasps as he follows, hovering over her.

'Are you...are you wearing this for me?' His hand runs over the waist of the blue silk briefs but he keeps his eyes firmly locked with hers.

She blinks and looks down. 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've not done this...for you...that I don't-'

'You know I think you're beautiful always right? That I don't care about that'

She nods once. 'But I...it actually...I feel good'

'You look good' He can't help but smirk wolfishly.

She blushes, her hand lacing over his. 'I thought it wouldn't...he bought all my clothes, underwear too and I didn't want to wear anything that reminded me of that, I thought, I thought I'd feel dirty but Luke I don't. I...I don't understand why I ever felt that because the way you look at me I just feel,, I feel sexy when you look at me like you were three seconds ago before I started babbling this shit at you'

He licks his lips and swallows.

'I'm sorry. Totally killed the mood'

He can't help but let out a breathy laugh as _totally_ pops from her mouth yet again. He shakes his head. 'No. I'm glad you just told me that' He shifts and lays beside her but his hands ensure she's still as close. 'It helps me, when you explain, it stops me thinking I'm harming you in someway'

'I never feel like that Lucas' She announces sternly. 'Never. I don't tell you things sometimes because I don't want to hurt you because I know it does'

He nods. 'Yes. It hurts Peyton and it makes me feel sick, knowing he did that, that he made you dress up for him' He shakes his head. 'But, it's better me knowing, better me understanding because I'm starting to realise that we, we both try and hide what we're thinking or feeling because we're frightened of hurting each other but baby all we're achieving is digging a giant hole between us. I'd rather know. I'd rather you share everything he did so we can deal with it together' His separation from her in the last twenty four hours has allowed him to reflect, has allowed him to come to this conclusion. It's a huge revelation in his eyes.

She nods. 'I know...but I feel like you don't want me half the time... and telling you things will make you want me less... I think you don't want me and I always think it's because you can't stand the thought that I've been someone else's' She blurts.

'You were never anyone else's...fuck I, I always want you' He scrapes his hand through his hair. 'I guess I see why you could think that but when I, when I'm pushing you away it's not because I don't want you it's...it's my fault...that I, I bring on your depression and maybe you're right...that I am like him...even if you don't realise it, subconsciously maybe everything I say or do reminds you-'

'Stop' Her finger covers his lips and she shakes her head, tears glassing over her green irises. Her hands cup his face. 'Look at me' She demands.

His stare slowly shifts upwards.

'Lucas you save me. Every time I go to that place you're the only fucking reason I manage to come back. I was angry when I said that stuff at the studio and yes you can be freaking irritating with your pandering but it's never like him. You know why? Because I can leave Luke. I know that. I can walk out that door and you'll let me go if I insisted.'

'I don't know that I could actually'

She smiles. 'Well I do. I love you Luke and you love me...why we always think that isn't good enough I don't know...'

'I just don't want to be him. Ever'

'You won't. We need to stop punishing ourselves Luke. I'm sick of him being in our lives'

'Me too' He rubs his thumb across her cheek.

'He already took Grace from me, don't let him take you too'

'I'm not going anywhere'

'I promise I'll talk to you more, I'll tell you whatever you need to hear but you just need to ask Luke'

'And you need to not be afraid to tell me what's got you upset in fear that it's going to upset me'

She sighs wearily. 'Deal'

'Deal' He echos.

'How'd you like to just be happy with me Lucas Scott?' Her question is a whisper and a smile touches her lips.

He chuckles. '_Totally' _

Her giggle follows only she can't stop.

'What's so funny?'

'I just...thinking about what Janice will think...that to have our most break through conversation I needed to be high'

He shakes his head in amusement. 'Mm maybe we should keep that to ourselves'

'Mm maybe'

'And this' He kisses her. 'And this' He begins to leave a hot trail down her neck that makes her stomach flutter with excitement.

'Just ours' She confirms breathily.

'You look so fucking hot'

She bites her bottom lip and smiles seductively because she feels it too. With him looking at her like that.

'God I love you Lucas Scott'

He crawls up her and cups her face in his hands.

'I love you'

And she doesn't know quite what's just happened. But there's a change. For the better. And she hopes they can keep to their deal because if they can then surely things can only get better. Not just for them but for the girls too.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

He watches from a distance.

Lucas had always thought of Sawyer as more like him and Erin as having more of her mother's traits.

But in this moment, as he stands beside Erin, watching both Peyton and Sawyer play a board game with Larry, he realises that perhaps his youngest daughter is far more trusting and forgiving than he is. Or perhaps he and his wife have just changed their ways over the years, he can fondly remember a very private teenage Peyton Sawyer while he was the trusting one.

'How can she do this?' Erin wonders. It took a lot of encouragement to get her here and Lucas doesn't blame her for a second; he's not all too pleased to be stood here himself, but for Peyton, he'll do anything.

'He's her father honey, wouldn't you want to see me?'

'You'd never have left me. Not after what happened'

He stops himself from agreeing with her.

'People deal with grief in different ways and on top of that he was unwell'

'I just, I don't get how she's just acting like it doesn't matter'

Lucas drapes his arm around her stiff shoulders. 'Believe me she's not forgotten, but he's not got time sweetheart and you're Mother doesn't want regrets. Sometimes letting go is better for everyone'

She sighs.

'Is that your way of telling me to get my butt over there and join in?' She huffs.

Lucas smirks. 'Well no, but I know that'd make your Mum happy'

'Fine'

He smiles as she resigns herself to joining in and like himself, he knows she'll do anything for her mother.

A little while later Peyton walks into the kitchen and his arms go around her before she can get far 'What're you doing?'

'Dancing with you' He sways her back and forth.

Her father's getting more ill by the day and Lucas keeps finding himself trying to hide her from what they both know is coming. He doesn't care if it's a futile attempt. He needs these last weeks to be perfect and is determined to fill them with happy memories for her.

The radio is on and she smiles at his antics.

'Luke' She swats his hands away. 'I'm getting them all popcorn'

'Mhm' He ignores her, spinning her back round to face her.

'Luke!' She laughs as he twirls her.

'Can't I dance with you?' He smirks.

She doesn't answer. Her coy little smile tells him she's loving this and the slight blush at her cheeks makes it impossible for him to stop.

Erin stops in the doorway, forgetting the empty glass in her hand that she'd been on route to refill. She watches them. It's foreign to her. The light hearted look in their eyes. It's not like she doesn't see them together all the time but this is different. She can't quite pin point what that difference is, maybe it's her father's playfulness, maybe it's the way he's ignoring her protests and forcing her to dance all the same, maybe it's the look on her mother's face, a look of contentment that is never quite there.

Erin's lips curl. She has a memory, a similar memory, from a time long ago, when they were always happy like this. Maybe she was just little and oblivious to any arguments or sadness but before the darkness it had always felt like this.

Lucas pulls Peyton with her back tight against his chest. He kisses her neck and Erin suddenly feels like she's intruding upon something too intimate and precious but Peyton catches her eye and pulls away.

'I was just getting a drink'

Peyton confiscates the glass, setting it on the side and then tugs on her daughter's hand.

'Mum?'

'Do you know this song?'

'Erm...kinda'

'Did you know that it was your father and mine's first dance when we got married?'

'Really?'

'Mhmm' She twirls her daughter around and Erin laughs.

'Mum!'

The noise draws the two missing family members into the kitchen, Larry being helped along by his dutiful little bodyguard.

'Hey squirt. You okay?' Lucas chucks a bit of popcorn at Sawyer's head and she pouts.

'D-ad'

'Saw-yer' He mimics her whiney tone.

'Why're you guys still out here?'

'Oh I'm just watching your mum and sister being nut cases'

Sawyer's eyes avert to Peyton and Erin.

'What're they doing?'

Lucas chuckles. 'I think they think their dancing but I'm not quite sure. Go on' He can tell she wants to join in and takes her place beside Larry, his arm going around the older man. 'Why don't you come and sit on a chair?'

'In a minute. I just want to watch her while she doesn't know I'm watching'

He follows Larry's eyes to his wife.

'She looks happy' His voice is gruff, weary and fragile and Lucas strains to hear over the hum of the radio.

'She is today. You've got something to do with that'

Larry smiles. 'No. I think you've got a whole lot to do with that son'

Peyton catches their eye and grins as she swings Sawyer around. Lucas knows what she's thinking. Knows she's over the moon that he's making an effort with her father. Larry seemingly knows it too.

'I haven't thanked you Lucas, for allowing me into your family's life. I know I don't deserve any of the niceties you've bestowed upon me'

'You don't have my forgiveness. Everything I do is for her'

'I know. And I cannot find the words to tell you how grateful I am for looking after her. For saving her'

There are so many words he wants to say, so many harsh revelations he wants to feed to this man, he wants him to suffer just a fraction of the sorrow his darling wife has but he can't do it; maybe he's a little determined to give Larry some happy last days too.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

His death isn't a surprise. It's a slow demise in the weeks that lead up to the end.

She's there everyday. They all are. Sorry's are made, forgiveness is given.

And she's holding his hand when it happens.

And Lucas is there too. Holding her as he always is. There to catch her when she falls.

He's dreading it. Dreading the affect this is going to have. Anticipates the very worse.

And his hate for Larry Sawyer grows in those days after because he's angry at him, angry at him for leaving all over again, angry that this time there's no coming back.

His anger isn't just for Peyton though, it's for his children, he's angry that they don't get to really, really know their grandfather because they'd both started to warm to the idea of having him around, especially Sawyer.

And it's his daughters first real experience of death and it cuts deep to watch them hurt this way because he can't make it any easier for them, he can only hold them and tell them how sorry he is.

He hates that he has to keep flying back to New York. It's not the best timing but the developments with his book are happening fast but at the same time the space helps him keep strong.

He brings them a rose each when he returns from his latest trip. They're all hundled on the sofa, covered with a blanket and they've all got red blotchy cheeks and he knows they've been watching some sappy tear jearker. He hugs them all in a giant hug and a smile touches their lips as he places a red flower in each of their hands.

'You make everything better' Peyton kisses his cheek and he hopes she's right.

She is right; he looks after them all. Treats them all in the days after. Works his hardest at taking their minds off things and yet holds them as they let out their tears.

And he's surprised more than anyone when Peyton doesn't lock herself away. When she instead talks to him. Tells him that it's not fair. Why now? Why when she just got him back? He doesn't have the answer but he doesn't need to have it because holding her is enough. He doesn't let himself get his hopes up that things are going to be different this time but he'll be there when she falters and knows he'll be enough because she's told him so, told him he's the one that brings her back from the brink and he believes her and that gives him strength.

It's a month after her father's death when she finds out.

'Mum'

Peyton jumps a mile and spins around. She's in her ensuite bathroom and her heart is racing. She's usually all ears to any noise or movement, be it the front door downstairs or the children across the road arriving home. She's learnt every tell tale sign of the neighbourhood and she revels in those sounds. But today her normal cagey behaviour is dulled and she's taken completely off guard by her daughter's sudden arrival home.

'Erin' She feels like a school girl that's just got caught doing something she shouldn't be doing. Her mouth is suddenly dry. She glances at her watch, it had been half two a minute ago, she doesn't know where the last hour and a half has gone but Erin's presence alerts her that both Lucas and Sawyer can't be far either.

Erin watches her suspiciously. 'What're...' She trails off as she takes in the boxes sitting on the counter top and then her eyes dart back to her Mother.

Peyton looks like a deer caught in headlights.

'You're...You're...?'

Peyton opens her mouth but the door opens again and Lucas is suddenly there. 'Hey' He kisses her cheek in greeting and then is rifling through the wash basket. 'Have you seen my sweat pants?' He looks up when he doesn't get an answer. 'What're you both doing in here?-' He stands up straight and eyes them with amusement because they're both staring at each other and he doesn't know what he's just interrupted but it's clearly something and he wants in on their secret. 'What's going on?'

Aggravated Peyton closes her eyes and stamps her foot in frustration. 'Is there no such thing as privacy in this house!' Her exclamation kills his smile.

He's not just intrigued now. He's concerned. And his eyes make a circuit of the bathroom for the first time. He notes the way Peyton suddenly migrates toward the counter top and she's not exactly good at being subtle.

'Peyton' He naturally follows, easily manoeuvring her out of the way and in a second he wishes he hadn't.

He freezes. He feels sick.

And then anger comes.

He grabs the pregnancy test.

'I told you!' He bellows, spinning around.

Peyton's eyebrows shoot upward, surprised by his tone.

'Luke' She's confused.

'You're never going out again. You're not seeing him again. Ever' He wavers the stick at Erin.

Recognition dawns on Peyton as she watches her bewildered teenage daughter cower back away from her enraged father.

'What? Dad-'

'I can't believe I-'

'It's my test Lucas!' Peyton exclaims loudly.

Her bottom lip quivers with her declaration because there's no more denying it and it weighs down on her, heavy and overwhelming.

His blue eyes are looking at her now, imitating the befuddled stare of his daughter just moments before. 'Yours?' He mouths silently.

She nods once.

His eyes skitter down her, staring at her lower abdomen and then he's moving toward her.

'Yours?'

'Mine'

He gulps and then glances at a flushed Erin.

'Erin...I...I'm sorry. Can you give us a sec please'

'Gladly' She mutters, scarpering from the scene.

The door clicks.

'You're pregnant?' He never knew it was possible to go from being so angry to feeling overwhelming relief to feeling sheer joy in less than sixty seconds.

'I..I don't know, you've got the thing, you tell me'

He ignores her and blindly puts the test down on the edge of the sink.

'Are you okay?'

'No' She shakes her head.

'Why?'

'I don't know? Maybe because I may be pregnant, that's kind of a big deal I suppose'

He smiles because she's being saucy and off hand.

'A little bit' He agrees. 'Either way we're going to be fine'

She nods but her face suggests otherwise and then she's spewing out words so quickly that Lucas struggles to keep up. Something about being unplanned, unprepared, unfair on Erin and Sawyer. Unfair on the unborn child because she's not good at this. That they all deserve better than her.

'I love you but you do talk crap sometimes. You're a wonderful Mother Peyton'

'The last time I did this...it takes me back to the last time and I don't want to be taken back to then Luke'

'It's not going to be like last time. You won't be on your own. I'll be there every step. We'll do it together'

'You're...you're happy?'

'I mean I never thought we'd...but yeah. How couldn't I be?'

'Is it positive?'

'I don't know. I didn't look I just saw the stick and saw red cause I thought it was Erin's and...' His sentence trails off and then he's blurting out: 'If it's not, maybe we could try?'

She blinks. Pauses. 'Seriously?'

'Well if you want to'

She closes her eyes. 'I...I don't know. This terrifies me Luke. I mean I feel like we have enough on our hands with the girls. They need us so much more now than ever and things have gotten better with Erin lately, I don't want to fuck that up...-'

'The girls will be okay with this Peyt. More than okay. Over the moon'

She swallows. She wishes she had his optimism sometimes. It's something she'd thought he'd lost over the years, after so much trauma and heartache but it's in moments like this she's overwhelmed by its presence.

'Can you just look at the stick and tell me what it freaking says' She mutters suddenly.

He wordlessly reaches for the little item that holds the answer to their fate, his other blindly grasping her hand.

It feels like a million years later when he answers. He looks up into her face, her eyes closed.

'It's negative'

Her eyes spring open. 'Negative? It is? You're sure?'

'Mhm'

'Well...that's good right...cause everything I just said'

'You don't sound happy' He notes.

'I don't...I guess I thought it would be a really bad thing but it wouldn't have been so awful' She can't explain why tears are suddenly prickling at her eyes.

'That's good, cause it's actually positive'

Her stare darts up. 'What?'

He's smiling. 'Uhuh' He holds the stick up for her to see. 'Two blue lines. We're pregnant'

'I can't believe you just Phoebe Buffayed me' She shrieks, hitting his arm.

'What?'

She smiles despite herself. 'I'm pregnant?' Her hand moves to her belly.

He nods. 'Yes Peyton Scott. We're pregnant'

She bobs her head up and down and tears run down her cheeks.

He diligently wipes them away and kisses her forehead.

'I feel...I feel like my dad has sent us this, I know that sounds-'

'It sounds beautiful' He brushes his nose against hers. 'I think so too'

'I'm scared'

He rubs her back. 'I know. But you don't need to be'

'We're going to be alright, right Luke?'

'We always are'

And she almost laughs because he's so right. They've overcome so much. They have known defeat and suffering and loss but somehow they've come out the other end, found their way from the depths of despair. In the face of adversity they've found that love really can conquer all. And a baby can only make things better.


End file.
